Miscellany

I know.

I haven't updated in a while.

Dial 1-800-BITE-ME.

When you got exams, grueling work, over 9000 morons to handle and 20 waiting calls at midnight with 10 staffed TSGs you'll understand.

Maybe.

At least, I don't. I know there's a law that ISPs and 24/7 available services should provide 24/7 support. I'm cool with that.

What I don't understand is the necessity to call at odd hours.

>Customer's Brain: My, it's 5am. What a wonderful morning! What shall I do? D'oh! I'll call tech support!
>Customer: * dial our number *
>Customer: [Moronic problem that stems from their own stupidity]

E.g:
>Customer: I'm trying to connect to the internet and it doesn't let me.

Loosely translated 'cause it sounds even more retarded in the local language.

Informative as ever.

Now, consider the average guy. Totally average.

Now...

Think that statistically, half the world's population is more stupid.

Now, consider that our marketing department actually caters to these people in the first place. These people have one god - the almighty local currency.

>Marketing Expert: Look guys. These people are morons and we're after to make even more money. So by changing our paradigm to cater to these retards we make even more money so our CEO can buy another diamond-encrusted Porsche.
>TSG: I know we, as a company, want to make more money. However, there's moderation in that too. I definitely wouldn't let someone with an IQ as the room temperature have access to the Internet for one reason: People like this make the Internet stupid. So how about catering to people who won't call over stupid reasons like password-protecting their Windows and then asking us to restore it? Or people who can't tell apart from their computer and their asshole?
>Marketing Expert: DUDE IT R MORE MONEYS
>TSG: Am I the only sane person around here?

...

Apparently, yes.

At least they could route the money to make us a more comfortable call center.

Since we're the majority of the company's work force and all that.

That and a stress relief room. I need that one.

They totally did that too.

Well..., they blew it on a public poll whether our retarded marketing-oriented zany-sounding retard-attracting handle is pronounced one way or another.

I mean it.

Then the entire office building was plastered with pamphlets saying that. With the retarded company mascot, a nifty piechart and all that.

As if it fucking matters. Looks like our company is run by morons as well.

>Suits: Wow guys, most customers say it one way rather than another! Now we must ALL behave just like the customers want us to.
>People with an IQ higher than room temperature: And it matters because...? No really, the customers don't give a flying fuck whether we pronounce it as they do, they want their moronic problem solved. That and you could've spent the survey money on... I don't know, making OUR life less painful than it already is? Because without us, you'd be out of business. You could also stop routing all the money to stupid shit like these polls or stupid events no one attends and add permanent improvements to the call center.
>Suits: Not after we blew the money on our salaries and this survey, HAR HAR SO THERE.
>People with an IQ higher than room temperature: You are thoroughly retarded. We couldn't give a lesser shit about new window drapes that replaced the old PERFECTLY FUNCTIONING ones. Nor do we give a shit about equally retarded motivational posters with a mascot that makes me want to kill whoever the retard that designed it. Nor do we really really REALLY give a fuck about crap like that.
>People: Here's an idea. Make the main cafeteria run 24/7, like us. Make the floor cafeterias hold a little more than a 1947 refrigerator and coffee machines that run on molten cheese. Make our posts larger, give us better phones and head phones. Improve our knowledge base. You have the staff and the resources to do it. SO DO IT FAGGOTS.
>Suits: BUT WE R BLEW ALL ZE MONEYS AWAY /mouthbreathe
>People: Die in a fire.

But I'm pretty sure every company has to deal with assholes for Suits who do nothing and take all credit for the work done.

Case in point.

We topped the customer satisfaction meter in the country. What do we get?

A shitty party in a god-forsaken place no one knows to get to.

Loud intolerable music, really poorly-distilled alcoholic drinks and the suits going apeshit like "OH MY FUCKING GOD DID YOU SEE WHAT WE DID FOR YOU?".

No we didn't.

At least the people with IQ higher than room temperature didn't.

The morons (aka 98% of the service department) probably went "AWW HOW NICE OF THEM". Newsflash morons: It isn't. "Nice" things = permanent additions to the call center and I don't mean fucking WINDOW DRAPES to replace the PERFECTLY FUNCTIONING old ones. What's worse is that the new drapes (which probably cost the center's collective salary) are emblazoned with the friggin' company mascot. I hate him.

Speaking of salaries.

You don't pay my salary. The company does. You're an annoyance in my way to idle peacefully and discuss network, play the ping game and generally screw with seniors.

Shit like:
>Customer: I'm paying your salary.
Isn't going to get you anywhere faster. It'll only agitate me further and will give you the treatment you deserve.

>Customer: You're indifferent to my problem.
Isn't helping you either. I don't give two fucks because it isn't a problem. It's your sheer stupidity.

Newsflash: There isn't a crew of evil cyber ninja lawyer robots that sits all night long to hack YOUR computer. You clicked on an infected popup, downloaded a keylogger, got a trojan, whatever.

It's not our problem. So stop calling us when your "Internet doesn't work" when your fucking trojan hogs all your bandwidth.

But apparently it's our problem, judging by the amount of retarded calls we get on this topic.

So I devised a simple test to determine eligibility to get a username/password.

IQ test. As simple as that.

If a person's IQ is less than 100 (i.e an official retard), they can't get an Internet connection. Or a computer in this case. We got licenses to drive, vote (age), operate dangerous equipment. So we should have a license to use a computer.

We should have a license to bear children as well. Slightly more complex criteria and eligibility selection process but a vasectomy/tube tying is the result for the declined. Stupid people don't deserve to reproduce. Raising children is one FUCKING responsible job and if you can't do it well, don't do it at all.

(which is why I won't have any)

Speaking of responsibility. Why can't people accept the fact that sometimes, we can't take any?

Like editing one's registry. Imagine the scenario if we DID do that with retards.

They edit a wrong key/value. (Assuming the could type "regedit" in the first place)
Their computer gets fucked up.
They complain to our delusional manager.
They bring it up in the recording.
Some poor guy gets fired in the best case.

So stop the fucking whine when we tell you we can't take responsibility for your spyware-infested virus-spawning botnet of a computer.

But no.

>TSG: Look, sir, this is YOUR computer. I don't know what's in it. I don't know how many viruses you have on it. So, if I reset the winsock catalog with you and the action fucks the computer up, it's your fault.
>Customer: [incoherent braying of an apeshit crazy fucktard]
>Customer: Will it cause damage?
>TSG: It varies from computer to computer, so there's no definite answer.
>Customer: But will it cause damage?
>TSG: It varies from computer to computer, so there's no definite answer.
>Customer: What?
>TSG: [Local language], motherfucker, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
>Customer: Yes.
>TSG: Then you understand what I'm saying.
>Customer: Yes.
>TSG: It varies from computer to computer, so there's no definite answer.
>Customer: What?

If I could continue to the part where he gets shot in the face, I would.

But I learn from my customers a whole lot.

I didn't know I was telepathic.
I didn't know I could magically see what's on their screen.
I didn't know I could "fix" their "Internet" remotely.
I didn't know I could infer their windows type and modem type just by saying "I have a problem".
I didn't know "ADSL" means modem and "[Cable company name]" means cable modem.
I didn't know I'm the be-all end-all security expert.
I didn't know I could fix unrelated to [ISP] problems, like desynchronizing modems.
I didn't know I was idling the 20 minutes you were waiting. I also didn't know I didn't have a previous customer just as retarded before you.

So, people, the next time you call us, keep those guidelines in mind.
The last line was sarcastic. Don't.

No really. Don't.