Zen and the art of guild applications

I have a confession to make.

Other than the update times are slower than drinking tar.

While swimming in a river made of tar.

This may or may not be related to my lack of literary force of will to actually sit my ass down and write whatever my alcohol-saturated brain can come up with.

So... brace for impact.

I play world of warcraft. A lot of it. I DO MEAN A FUCKING LOT. Whatever you may think about the game or my social life is irrelevant because further down will be placed a clandestine message only those with IQ over room temperature will comprehend.

In the game there are guilds. The WoW definition of a guild is "A bunch of retards who grouped up so they won't have to make pick-up groups wherever they feel like going". In the game there is also fire. In which you shouldn't stand. But that's another story.

So when guilds die (and they inevitably do) due to drama, lootwhoring, higher-up's e-penii or whatever reasons, people with IQ over room temperature apply (as if it's a job application) to another guild.

I wish to take some time to explain the common retard how to do that.

No particular order. I'm sorry if it sounds like common sense (it fucking should), but I've read WAY TOO MANY retarded applications that made me want to physically harm the player, preferably preventing reproduction.

• Use fucking proper English! I mentioned numerous times that it isn't a hard language to learn. Going to people you don't know and never will saying "OH HLO KAN I NINJA UR EPIX" is plain fucking retarded. If you can't figure out why, uninstall the game, cancel your account and drown your computer and yourself in the closest septic treatment plant. English is hard, sometimes there are exceptions to the rules, you have to know the exceptions. Etc, etc... I mean it. English or GTFO. [Replace English with any other language spoken by the guild you're applying to]
  
• Format your shit. Unformatted walls of text are almost as retarded. You're writing stuff for people to READ, not just facerolling the keyboard and hitting the "submit" button. Even when a guild has an application template (which I'm strictly against) don't just fill it with one-liners and then /wrist when the officers slap a big fat "DECLINED DUE TO RETARDATION" on your application.
• Be detailed. Don't just say "OH I HAVE FULL EPIX, CAN I HAVE FREE RIDE". Every season2-geared mouthbreather who stands in the fire has full epics nowadays. You have Blizzard to thank for that. Armory profile is key now. Remember: YOU are applying to THEM, not vice-versa. Even if (you think) you're the best to travel Azeroth across all realms, it doesn't give you the right to be a condescending bastard. Unless you're in SK or Nihilum or something like that and you can't go higher than the top anyway.
• Notwithstanding the former point, don't overkill it. We all know there is fire on a boss and you shouldn't be in it. We all know everyone with an IQ over room temperature brings full consumables and knows the boss like the back of their hand after 2 tries. Good going captain fucking obvious.
• A guild application isn't a place to blow steam. Be objective. No one cares if you gquit because your GM gave thori'dal to a rogue. No one cares your former guildmate dual glaive rogue does 1.3k DPS on teron, it's TMI and really is irrelevant to the people you want to play with. If you got kicked, list your fails. It shows you have a sense of self-criticism and the ability to see (and hopefully learn from) your mistakes. If you QQ, I will extract it and make delicious whine from it.
  
• Screenshot in a raid situation. Most guilds require that nowadays so they can see your keybindings and make sure you're not a mouseclicker who plays with one eye on TV and one hand on penis. Preferably if you explain the underlying logic behind your keybinds, unless obvious.
• Stick to the freakin' template (or the lack of it). Worst if you use the guild's nemesis' application template. One paladin applied to my guild recently. We don't have a template. What do I see? A copypasted Nihilum application template. How am I going to take him seriously? In fact, I'm going to get him killed a few times, then teabag his corpse.
  
• DO NOT APPLY TO MULTIPLE GUILDS AT ONCE. Unless they're X-Realm AND have a private application policy. They WILL find out, will call you out on the bullshit and you will stay guildless while everyone else is getting fat loot.
• DO NOT BUG PEOPLE WITH YOUR APPLICATION STATUS. Trust me, people who run guilds get enough whispering shit during their playtime, you're not helping.
• Do not fuck up on your trial period. First impression is the strongest one so don't stand in the fire or you will be on a quest: [73] Looking For Guild!
• Know your shit. People don't like carrying terribads. People don't like telling or listening to the strategy you farmed the boss a year with. Seriously, get your shit done.

That should do it. While this post may or may not decrease the amount of terribad applications, I hope people learn from these ravings.

My death

Rumors of it were greatly exaggerated.

No really, put down the shotgun now. I mean it.

So, it's been almost three months between this post and its predecessor. What could I possibly do to skip entertaining my faithful audience?

Well, I'd rather spill the beans now.

I quit the job.

No need to have a heart attack, it was known from my very first call that I wouldn't make it that long. C'mon, there's a limit to the amount of "I HAVE NO INTERNET HALP ME NAO I DESERVE IT I'M PAYING YOU etc [Incoherent braying of a retarded goldfish]" calls a person can take.

Actually, I quit the job sometime in late May. I haven't been up to date with reality since that time (gee, I wonder why), so I haven't bothered (read: had better things to do) than writing.

The reasons may or may not be an irresistible urge to get my degree get a decent job, complaints about my behavior (apparently, people don't like when I'm banging on tables and swearing at the phone in a fit of rage), my superior being an asshole, HIS superior being a delusional freak, all of the above, etc.

So... since my supply of call is obviously limited, I shall present my faithful audience (you are faithful, RIGHT?) the top 10 calls which scored over 9000 on the "I can't believe a person that stupid exists and can reproduce legally" meter.

As mentioned in the first post of this boring semi-funny blog, these calls are 100% real. I can ask people who still work there (against better judgment) to pull out the recordings from the archives.

Number 10: "My modem is off"
>TSG: [Opening sentence]
>Customer (female, a cookie if you guessed it beforehand): Hello, I'm calling because my modem is off.
>TSG: * In a fit of shocked awe *: ... You mean, it's working normally, except it's not on.
>Customer: Yes, and I don't know what to do.
>TSG: Turning it on is a good start.
>Customer: But how?

Oh Jesus tap-dancing Christ, there's a nice shiny button on every modem. It's called the POWER button and it... you guessed it genius, it powers up the modem.

I heard of this ancient mystic force. This force infuses its user with the knowledge of the intricate device known as a modem. At least with such arcane knowledge as the location of the critically-important buttons that may or may not power up the modem and give you the "Internets" you so desperately need for watching Mr. Hands or whatever.

This force...

is...

THE FREAKING MANUAL. READ IT. I promise, it doesn't bite. No really, it doesn't.

Bullshit like this is inexcusable. But no, this stupid airhead calls us, disturbing my peace with retardation beyond redemption.


Number 9: I HAS NO INTARNETS
This call is slightly different than the generic "I have no Internet" call. See, the first thing the retards at instruction teach the entry-level TSGs is to reset the modem and/or router. Amazingly, it solves 99.9% of "I have no Internet" problems.

... amazingly 99.9% of calls begin with customers getting a 404 error or "connection failed" and immediately calling tech support.

This can't be a coincidence.

Naturally, this call was different.
>TSG: [Opening sentence]
>Customer (male, mid 20s, IQ<50): I DONT HAVE INTERNET FOR [Fraudulent amount of time here because we DO log activity] WHAT THE HELL IS THIS IM PAYING AND YOU'RE A REPRESENTATIVE SO YOU HAVE TO HELP ME etc.
>TSG: Did you try resetting your modem?
>Customer: What on earth is a modem?
>TSG: I see.

20 minutes later I manage to get this neanderthal to reset the modem.

>TSG: Now try surfing.
>Customer: Still no internet.

I'm paraphrasing because incoherent braying is incoherent.

>TSG: Try surfing to [test IP address].
>Customer: Dude, didn't you understand? I HAVE NO INTERNET GODDAMNIT
>TSG: Shut up and do it you moron.

After back-and-forth "I HAVE NO INTERNET" from him and "Just do what I say retard, you'll have your gay porn soon" from me, he got his Internet. And the world rejoiced. Seriously, is trusting us such an issue?


Number 7: Hostnames are serious business
Prelude: We work with the cable company to provide Internet access over coaxial cables. The cable company in its genius has decided to use dialers. In those dialers you have to write the hostname associated with your ISP.

You'd think "host.isp.com" is hard to write.

Think again.

In between people who simply cannot locate the keys, not to mention the '.' symbol there are also people who lie to you. They say the follow you to the letter but then get a "User stupidity" error and of course blame us.

We could write the host down in an IP address form but...

1. It's against company policy.
2. The IP is going to change eventually, it has a lease.
3. We generally assume people aren't that stupid.
4. We are mostly wrong.

>TSG: [Opening sentence]
>Customer (in a think ethnic minority accent): Hello, I get error 678.

At least he knows the error number. Most people just say "I HAS PROBLEM FIX IT".

>TSG: * series of checks to see that the customer is indeed retarded *
>Customer: Still error 678.
>TSG: Maybe it's because you're too dumb to type the hostname properly?

Then it hit me. This guy doesn't know the keyboard layout. I mean REALLY DOESN'T KNOW. Since English is serious business I work my way around it and eventually get him to type it.

...

>Customer: Still error 678.

At this point I had it with him and:
>TSG: Off to the cable company you go, here's their number. Maybe they can fix your IQ.

Seriously now. I KNOW English is being taught at a reasonable level in this stupid country.

10 minutes later a guy I know very well approaches:
>oTSG: Dude this retard you handled just landed on me.
>TSG: And?
>oTSG: He's obviously too stupid to type a hostname so I had him type the IP.
>TSG: But isn't it against all the stupid crap they taught us?
>oTSG: Yes, but at least he can stop calling us.
>TSG: Good point. Are all of [ethnic minority] so freaking stupid?
>oTSG: Oh yeah. At the "Popular customer team" (see earlier posts) we never assign URL hostnames for this very reason.
>TSG: I see.


Number 6: "I can't believe it's my maximum download speed"
Covered in an earlier post but I'll make it short.

1. Retard doesn't know basic math.
2. Retard doesn't know basic communications knowledge.
3. Retard thinks he's entitled to the world.
4. Retard calls.
5. Retard lands on me.
6. I explain Retard that download_speed = Sum of concurrent download speeds and if it's maximal, it's working as intended.
7. Retard still doesn't understand, retard wants to disconnect.
8. I bid retard farewell (read: told him to go fuck himself in an ironic yet subtle way)

Number 5: The Fucktard
I'll just call this guy the Fucktard because that's what he is. I don't know what went through is head and frankly, I don't want to know.

At 1:30am, on a night shift.
>TSG: [Opening line]
>Fucktard: What the hell is this download speed, I demand a senior to speak with me immediately, this company sucks ass, I'm going to sue its guts out.

In the meantime, his information loads. What do I see? A popup saying "Do NOT serve the customer in any way shape or form. Consult senior immediately upon customer call".

>TSG (to senior): Hey, I got this guy here with this popup, his user is...
>STSG: Oh god fucking damnit, not that guy again! (to himself) God, what a fucknut.
>TSG: Is he really really retarded?
>STSG: You'll see. Talk to him.

>TSG (to fucktard): You DO realize we have to test it, right?
>Fucktard: I don't want any freakin' tests, get a senior now!
>TSG: There's only one available and he's not fapping to gay porn either. In fact he's busy managing the rest of us who work nights so retards like you can disturb our peace.

There was another senior guy whose shift has ended. These two bastards put Fucktard on call center-wide speakerphone and started to laugh their asses off.

>Fucktard: Some guy just called me and made my radio not work, it's your fault and I know it, I'm calling the police.
>TSG: Okay.
>Fucktard: OKAY? WE ARE NOT IN AMERICA MR. OKAY AND IF THESE ARE THE STANDARDS SET FOR YOUR TEAM, I WILL BE COMPLAINING DIRECTLY TO THE CEO!
/hangup


>TSG (to seniors): Well, at least the problem solved itself.
>STSGs: Don't count on it.
>TSG: Why, this crap happened a lot?
>STSGs: Quite a lot, expect a flurry of calls from him tomorrow.

The day after tomorrow I check the user and I see no less than 19(!) documented (read: god knows how many undocumented) calls all ending with incoherent braying of an old senile retard and him hanging up.

This scenario repeated itself every month. Eventually we were on the verge of banning him from our services but for some unfathomable reason he's still our (their) customer. At least I heard he faxed the CEO's office demanding the CEO meet him because of his problems.

Needless to say the fax itself had more spelling mistakes than a dyslexic kid with down's syndrome on a sugar rush. Also needless to say his case got escalated to the chief security officer due to continuous harassment.

But, he's still their customer.

Did I mention I hate penny-pinchers who lick the asshole of every customer just so they won't transfer to another ISP?


Number 4: The "I will sue you" bitch
This case hasn't actually happened to me, rather than the guy sitting next to me. I got to (over)hear the call in it's g(l)ory. For simplicity's sake, he's referred to as "TSG" for this call.

>TSG: [Opening sentence]
>Customer: Okay listen up. If anything, ANYTHING happens to my computer as a result of your "support", I will sue the company and you personally.
>TSG: And you're aggressive because...?
>Customer: Because the last over 9000 times I called, every single troubleshoot resulted in my motherboard going on fire.
>TSG: ... yeah.

Now, imagine this woman is allowed to reproduce. Also to drive and vote. Don't you wish to exterminate 90% of the population?

The call went pretty much like this:
>TSG: You have a virus, I can see it by your outgoing traffic rate.
>Customer: It's your fault, if I didn't get your stupid Internet I wouldn't have gotten it.
>TSG: Or you can stop browsing gay porn sites.

And so on. Eventually, the call ended with the TSG telling her to go fuck herself with a rake, but very subtly.


Number 3: "How do I plug it in?"
Some prelude is required here. In our country, there is a sect of hardcore religious people whose religion I will not mention. This sect is fucked up. Just like any other cult, their behavior is apparent - retarded clothing, moronic education and next to zero preparation for real life because their deity will protect them. Your regular cult, except these morons actually have parliamentary control and they actually hold our government by the balls.

So naturally, these morons are hardly getting exposed to 21st century technology due to the fear and anxiety that it might "offend their feelings" or "corrupt their youth" and some bullshit or another. I can rant on this for ages. Typical technophobic bullshit.

What's worse is that our ISP, at the time, wanted to beat the competition so they marketed specifically designed programs for this kind of customer. Some hand-checked whitelist-filtering programs and crap like that. Think Amish who are just as stupid but do use technology.

My point is. These people don't know jack shit about anything.

>TSG: [Opening line].
>Customer: Hello. I just bought this internet thing and I need help connecting it.

Actually he said it in a very smug and condescending tone, as if he's a better person.

>TSG (sighing to myself): Okay, start -> control panel -> network connections...
>Customer: Wait, what do I do with this?
>TSG: With what?
>Customer: The tech guy left me a box. I don't know what's inside it.
>TSG: Try opening it, I promise there isn't any anthrax or smallpox in it.

The above line was sarcastic, they don't know what either is.

So this retard didn't even open the box to begin with, but immediately called us. What does he expect us to do, open the box for him? Come on, this isn't a case of not knowing, it's about common sense.

Quoth the Dickens: There's nothing common about common sense.

It's like teaching quantum physics to an 8-year old hyperactive ADD kid on a sugar rush. Completely useless.

>Customer: There's something inside.
>TSG: Shiver me timbers! Taking it out is probably a good idea.
>Customer: Okay so what do I do now?
>TSG (realizing the gravity of the situation): I think you have to plug it in. It's called a modem.
>Customer: How do I plug it in?

This is where I snapped. It was a USB modem, that means it had two wires. One is a telephone RJ11 wire and another is a standard issue USB cable. GUESS!

Well, before that I asked the model of the modem.
>TSG: Would you kindly tell me what's written on the modem?
>Customer: I don't know.
>TSG: Maybe READ what's written on it?
>Customer: How do I look?

I mean, seriously now.

>TSG: On the backside of the modem there are two sockets. Their shape is different. With the modem come two cables. Note: their shape is also different. One of the cables is a telephone cable. It's the same cable as the cable on the telephone you're calling me with. Now, this is the hard part. You have to PLUG the phone cable into the hole in the wall where the cable phone goes to and you ha...
* click *

Apparently this moron disconnected the phone he was talking on. To this day, whether he could physically connect his modem is a mystery to me.


Number 2: How do I settled debt?
A bit of backstory. I think it's obvious that you DO have to pay for your services. This includes paying your ISP for Internet access. We have an elaborate system of tracking down debtors and having them pay.

In case we cannot track them down we simply suspend their account until such time when all delinquent payments have been generated.

In extremely rare cases we give out temporary users so this moron can download his gay porn until his normal account is available. The passwords to these temporary users change over a fixed time period in order to prevent abuse.

Guess what happened.

Password got changed, retard got disconnected, retard got pissed, retard called.

>TSG: [Opening sentence]
>Customer: I have no internet, what is this bullshit? I'm not paying you for nothing.

See why I hate people? Is it really this hard NOT to be a complete bitch to a total stranger?

Of course, people assume they're getting their connection magically. After tedious 15 minutes of tracking his user information down:

>TSG: It seems your account has been suspended due to a debt. You can settle it with the finance department.
>Customer: Yeah, so? I still deserve internet from you. Give it to me now.
>TSG: After a brief consultation we've decided not to disclose the password to the temporary user assigned to you. You will be able to connect 1 minute after settling your debt.
>Customer: What the hell is this bullshit? I need my goddamn Internet NOW! I'm a {stock trader, gay porn aficionado, gaming nerd, general fucktard, lawyer, accountant,...} and I can't work without it! You're making me lose money!
>TSG: Which is why you should settle your debt. None of the guys here have permissions to access the billing system because it's none of our business. Naturally, you also called at the time the finance department is closed for the night. Call next morning.
>Customer: Give me your supervisor NOW. I'm going to settle this crap once and for all, it's unbelievable... {moronic rant}
>TSG: Of course. *click*

See, the customer can be Intel or Cisco for all I care. The second I detect a hint of aggression from anyone, the call is over until they change their attitude. No one in the world has a right to be a condescending bitch for any reason. If a person wants decent troubleshooting then they better have the decency to be at least somewhat polite to people who slave away because they are too dumb to solve their own shit.

We can't do magic. We can't "fix" "your" "internet", especially if you didn't pay for it.

Number 1: To be continued.

Yes, I used this miserable cliffhanger. Sucks to be you.

Cerebral prostitution

Think about this phrase for a second.

Just a second.

You might hurt yourself otherwise.

This is what we, as TSGs are doing. This cerebral prostitution begins even before joining the company.

>HR representative: [ISP name here] is the BEST MOTHERFUCKING ISP IN THE WORLD. YOU HEAR ME MOTHERFUCKER? WE GOT [long list of "advantages"] AND [social benefits].
>TSG: Okay, I realize your job is to recruit retards like me to your company, but you can't possibly be serious that I will even consider joining after this sort of approach.
>HRR: I'm sorry. It usually works on the typical morons we're recruiting.
>TSG: Why do I have a "I have a bad feeling about this" feeling?
>HRR: Probably because of the cabal contract we're going to bind you with.

In retrospect, it wasn't such a good idea.

Then, the cerebral prostitution continued during the training course:

>Instructor: * usual customer-is-always-right bullshit *
>TSG: That may be true, but I am not a machine you can vent your frustration at. If someone starts yelling at me I WILL hang up on him. Nor am I here to tell people what is a keyboard and what's their asshole. Some of the calls you told us are still considered urban legends by me. Recording or it never happened.
>Instructor: You're a customer service representative. It's your job now.
>TSG: Get me an iron boot so I can kick you in the face. I'm here to tell retards how to click on "Start", not to listen to their incoherent braying about the minuscule amounts they're paying us. The job description never said "You'll have to listen to morons whining about stuff neither of us can control".
Instructor: Good point, but they pay your salary.
>TSG: That's where you get it wrong lad. They're not paying my salary. The company does. They are just an interference in my way to play computer games, surf the web in more ways than I already do and be generally useless while getting paid.
>Instructor: Sucks to be you, then.
>TSG: Where'd you say they make iron boots?

Then it continued into the internship period. And then, our team is spammed by the team leader and I quote.

>Superior: Guys, don't forget to do proactive service. It's part of your meters and your incentives/promotions depend on it.

That struck my enrage nerve.

>TSG: Look, I know you care about us and want us to top whatever retarded quality meters the powers that be made, but ARE YOU BATSHIT CRAZY? We're not salesmen, we're dealing with retards all day long. I, for one, will not deal with retards and money. That and the whole part where I COULD'VE USED THE STUFF WE SELL FOR FREE AND I STILL DON'T.
>TSG: Want to know why? Because I don't need that bullshit. I, unlike the moron on the other side of the phone, know better than to click infected popups. I know that our purpose is to make more money, but I have my dignity. You can forget about me and anything related to sales.
>TSG: Why's that? Because I feel uncomfortable with myself as a human being, to offer malfunctioning services the retard doesn't need. Yes, I have the sufficient personal dignity not to cheat an unsuspecting idiot for his money.
>TSG: BUT. And this is the big hairy but part. Making our fully-deserved incentives (HELL, YOU were a TSG once, you know what's it like), promotions and raises on such retarded bullshit as SALES makes you even more batshit crazy than I could've ever imagined.

Pretty much.

>Superior: You done?
>TSG: Now I am. Did you bother listening to me?
>Superior: Yes. Sucks to be you. Do it anyway.
>TSG: No. Fucking. Way.
>Superior: Well then, it's your money. Or... used to be your money.
>TSG: ... Die in a fire of cancerous aids.

And he actually did it. He cut my paycheck because I didn't sell enough crap.

Did I mention I hate people?

Miscellany

I know.

I haven't updated in a while.

Dial 1-800-BITE-ME.

When you got exams, grueling work, over 9000 morons to handle and 20 waiting calls at midnight with 10 staffed TSGs you'll understand.

Maybe.

At least, I don't. I know there's a law that ISPs and 24/7 available services should provide 24/7 support. I'm cool with that.

What I don't understand is the necessity to call at odd hours.

>Customer's Brain: My, it's 5am. What a wonderful morning! What shall I do? D'oh! I'll call tech support!
>Customer: * dial our number *
>Customer: [Moronic problem that stems from their own stupidity]

E.g:
>Customer: I'm trying to connect to the internet and it doesn't let me.

Loosely translated 'cause it sounds even more retarded in the local language.

Informative as ever.

Now, consider the average guy. Totally average.

Now...

Think that statistically, half the world's population is more stupid.

Now, consider that our marketing department actually caters to these people in the first place. These people have one god - the almighty local currency.

>Marketing Expert: Look guys. These people are morons and we're after to make even more money. So by changing our paradigm to cater to these retards we make even more money so our CEO can buy another diamond-encrusted Porsche.
>TSG: I know we, as a company, want to make more money. However, there's moderation in that too. I definitely wouldn't let someone with an IQ as the room temperature have access to the Internet for one reason: People like this make the Internet stupid. So how about catering to people who won't call over stupid reasons like password-protecting their Windows and then asking us to restore it? Or people who can't tell apart from their computer and their asshole?
>Marketing Expert: DUDE IT R MORE MONEYS
>TSG: Am I the only sane person around here?

...

Apparently, yes.

At least they could route the money to make us a more comfortable call center.

Since we're the majority of the company's work force and all that.

That and a stress relief room. I need that one.

They totally did that too.

Well..., they blew it on a public poll whether our retarded marketing-oriented zany-sounding retard-attracting handle is pronounced one way or another.

I mean it.

Then the entire office building was plastered with pamphlets saying that. With the retarded company mascot, a nifty piechart and all that.

As if it fucking matters. Looks like our company is run by morons as well.

>Suits: Wow guys, most customers say it one way rather than another! Now we must ALL behave just like the customers want us to.
>People with an IQ higher than room temperature: And it matters because...? No really, the customers don't give a flying fuck whether we pronounce it as they do, they want their moronic problem solved. That and you could've spent the survey money on... I don't know, making OUR life less painful than it already is? Because without us, you'd be out of business. You could also stop routing all the money to stupid shit like these polls or stupid events no one attends and add permanent improvements to the call center.
>Suits: Not after we blew the money on our salaries and this survey, HAR HAR SO THERE.
>People with an IQ higher than room temperature: You are thoroughly retarded. We couldn't give a lesser shit about new window drapes that replaced the old PERFECTLY FUNCTIONING ones. Nor do we give a shit about equally retarded motivational posters with a mascot that makes me want to kill whoever the retard that designed it. Nor do we really really REALLY give a fuck about crap like that.
>People: Here's an idea. Make the main cafeteria run 24/7, like us. Make the floor cafeterias hold a little more than a 1947 refrigerator and coffee machines that run on molten cheese. Make our posts larger, give us better phones and head phones. Improve our knowledge base. You have the staff and the resources to do it. SO DO IT FAGGOTS.
>Suits: BUT WE R BLEW ALL ZE MONEYS AWAY /mouthbreathe
>People: Die in a fire.

But I'm pretty sure every company has to deal with assholes for Suits who do nothing and take all credit for the work done.

Case in point.

We topped the customer satisfaction meter in the country. What do we get?

A shitty party in a god-forsaken place no one knows to get to.

Loud intolerable music, really poorly-distilled alcoholic drinks and the suits going apeshit like "OH MY FUCKING GOD DID YOU SEE WHAT WE DID FOR YOU?".

No we didn't.

At least the people with IQ higher than room temperature didn't.

The morons (aka 98% of the service department) probably went "AWW HOW NICE OF THEM". Newsflash morons: It isn't. "Nice" things = permanent additions to the call center and I don't mean fucking WINDOW DRAPES to replace the PERFECTLY FUNCTIONING old ones. What's worse is that the new drapes (which probably cost the center's collective salary) are emblazoned with the friggin' company mascot. I hate him.

Speaking of salaries.

You don't pay my salary. The company does. You're an annoyance in my way to idle peacefully and discuss network, play the ping game and generally screw with seniors.

Shit like:
>Customer: I'm paying your salary.
Isn't going to get you anywhere faster. It'll only agitate me further and will give you the treatment you deserve.

>Customer: You're indifferent to my problem.
Isn't helping you either. I don't give two fucks because it isn't a problem. It's your sheer stupidity.

Newsflash: There isn't a crew of evil cyber ninja lawyer robots that sits all night long to hack YOUR computer. You clicked on an infected popup, downloaded a keylogger, got a trojan, whatever.

It's not our problem. So stop calling us when your "Internet doesn't work" when your fucking trojan hogs all your bandwidth.

But apparently it's our problem, judging by the amount of retarded calls we get on this topic.

So I devised a simple test to determine eligibility to get a username/password.

IQ test. As simple as that.

If a person's IQ is less than 100 (i.e an official retard), they can't get an Internet connection. Or a computer in this case. We got licenses to drive, vote (age), operate dangerous equipment. So we should have a license to use a computer.

We should have a license to bear children as well. Slightly more complex criteria and eligibility selection process but a vasectomy/tube tying is the result for the declined. Stupid people don't deserve to reproduce. Raising children is one FUCKING responsible job and if you can't do it well, don't do it at all.

(which is why I won't have any)

Speaking of responsibility. Why can't people accept the fact that sometimes, we can't take any?

Like editing one's registry. Imagine the scenario if we DID do that with retards.

They edit a wrong key/value. (Assuming the could type "regedit" in the first place)
Their computer gets fucked up.
They complain to our delusional manager.
They bring it up in the recording.
Some poor guy gets fired in the best case.

So stop the fucking whine when we tell you we can't take responsibility for your spyware-infested virus-spawning botnet of a computer.

But no.

>TSG: Look, sir, this is YOUR computer. I don't know what's in it. I don't know how many viruses you have on it. So, if I reset the winsock catalog with you and the action fucks the computer up, it's your fault.
>Customer: [incoherent braying of an apeshit crazy fucktard]
>Customer: Will it cause damage?
>TSG: It varies from computer to computer, so there's no definite answer.
>Customer: But will it cause damage?
>TSG: It varies from computer to computer, so there's no definite answer.
>Customer: What?
>TSG: [Local language], motherfucker, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
>Customer: Yes.
>TSG: Then you understand what I'm saying.
>Customer: Yes.
>TSG: It varies from computer to computer, so there's no definite answer.
>Customer: What?

If I could continue to the part where he gets shot in the face, I would.

But I learn from my customers a whole lot.

I didn't know I was telepathic.
I didn't know I could magically see what's on their screen.
I didn't know I could "fix" their "Internet" remotely.
I didn't know I could infer their windows type and modem type just by saying "I have a problem".
I didn't know "ADSL" means modem and "[Cable company name]" means cable modem.
I didn't know I'm the be-all end-all security expert.
I didn't know I could fix unrelated to [ISP] problems, like desynchronizing modems.
I didn't know I was idling the 20 minutes you were waiting. I also didn't know I didn't have a previous customer just as retarded before you.

So, people, the next time you call us, keep those guidelines in mind.
The last line was sarcastic. Don't.

No really. Don't.

Training

Remember when I was rambling about the instruction course?

Yeah, back when Windows 98 was the pinnacle of operating systems.

Well, I open up the corporate email and read:
"To: All agents. If you're willing to show up on days so-and-so for extra hours, you're more than welcome. We're holding a round of simulations for new trainees and I could use all the people I can get. - Instruction manager"

* GLEE! *

What could be better than being a cruel, sinister bastard to unsuspecting interns?

(being the instructor himself, but that's another story)

They were groveling, begging for mercy. I came up with the harshest calls I could come up with.

Then I actually started the simulations. But before, I needed a cheesy intro speech:

>TSG: Hey guys. I'm TSG. You're going to suffer with me. A lot.
>Trainees: ... Crap.
>TSG: By "A lot" I mean you're going to think these are real calls since I base all my causes on ones. Yep.
>Trainees: ...
>Trainees: This isn't going to involve anal hemorrhage, is it?
>TSG: Only if you insist.

And then the shit hit the fan.

>TSG: I have no Internet.
>TSG: What's a dialer?
>TSG: I can't reach the desktop.
>TSG: You bastards suck ass! I need Internet NOW! So shut up and fix it!
>TSG: I've been trying to surf for HOURS and I keep getting the [insert expletives here] error 691/678/769/789/633! HELP ME! I'm paying for this you know!
>TSG: I just bought Internet from you and I still have no Internet, what is this bullshit?!

I think they were crying when I was done. Maybe their pathetic groveling "Please stop!" meant I overdid it.

I was exhausted. My voice died in agony.

But it was all worth it. Now they know what to expect when they begin their internships.

Speaking of windows 98.

Can you believe people still have that piece of crap? Every month or so, a mouth-breathing retard just HAS to call and say:

>Customer: I have windows 98.
>TSG: Can I have your rock?
>Customer: Eh?
>TSG: The one you've been living under.

Eventually, he didn't have the installation CD for Windows 98. I would explain why it's required, but if your balls dropped out/you bleed you should know.

>Customer: So there's no way I can have Internet now?
>TSG: No.
>Customer: I want to talk with to supervisor.
>TSG: Go ahead if you insist, but he'll tell you the same thing.
>Customer: I still want to talk to your supervisor. [ISP name here] doesn't satisfy its commitments towards customers and I know a thing or two about laws.
>TSG: So do I, but if any of my proposed laws were enforced in time, you wouldn't have been born.

* hold *
>TSG (to STSG): Hey man. I got a retard here who won't understand that win98 absolutely requires the installation CDs and I tried all possible methods.
>STSG: Oh god, not these morons again.
>TSG: ... yep. Tell him that he's still retarded.
* back to customer *

>TSG: Right. Here's STSG, he'll churn your tears into butter.

Off he goes. Stupid bloody accountants who think knowing high-school level math makes them Padishah Emperors of the Known Universe.

However, once in two months or so, you get a customer that is not only polite, provides useful information, but he also delivers the one line I had never heard before:

>Customer: I apologize for my stupidity.
>TSG: Wow, what? No way. Are you an evil cyber ninja from Mars here to restore my faith in mankind?
>Customer: No, but I did do something stupid.

Or...

>Customer: It's alright, I can wait as long as necessary.
>TSG: That does it, you are a cyber ninja.
>TSG: This is all a conspiracy.
>TSG: Smart people don't call Tech Support, they got the brains to solve their own problems.
>TSG: Therefore you're fake. Enjoy your disconnect.

Or...

>Customer: * complete information about his rig, peripherals and all I need to work *
>TSG: Complete information? You gotta be kidding me. There's no way people will ever provide information. They think you're telepathic and by saying "I have a problem" you know that their modem is turned off or something.
>Customer: Heh. Yeah. People are stupid.

And the finishing line:

>Customer: Although we didn't come up with a solution, I do thank you for your patience and time.

I didn't think those pure saints existed.

Which means the next three months will be full of arrogant braindead morons.

Case in point.

>Customer: I have an analog modem.

A part of me died inside a little.

Yes, I became stronger, but...

>TSG: Jesus H. Christ. Do you also have a Spectrum ZX by your side?


God damnit, if it wasn't for the guys at the call center or the shitty-yet-stable paycheck I would've quit this crap long ago.

Speaking of the guys at the call center. I'm talking with the current moron, when I hear a yell across the entire center.

>TSG1 (to TSG2): ping 172.84.100.4

* TSG1 throws a PACKET to TSG2 *

>TSG2: reply from 172.84.100.4 time=1000ms

* TSG2 throws a PACKET to TSG1 *

Enjoyable moments like these make some of the work tolerable. That and the nerd humor around.

Most of the time. Times like these:

>Superior: Guys, in case I didn't make it clear. Proactive service is part of your job and I expect us to top the sell meters.
>TSG: For Christ's sake sir, I can't stand it even more than customers.
>Superior: Sucks to be you. Do it anyway.

Make me want to defenestrate people. Now, to find a place where they make iron boots.

Aggression

Is a bad thing.

Especially towards us. We have to take enough shit from people, the last thing we want is a bitch on PMS or a brain-dead toaster to cry and whine at us because he's too dumb to figure out how to press the power button.

So don't be surprised if we turn up cynical and/or sarcastic and/or make snide remarks.

You won't get them anyway, if you're on the other side of the phone.

>TSG: * opening sentence *
>Customer: Feel like explaining to me why I have no Internet?
>TSG: Good day to you too.
>TSG: I feel fine, thanks for asking.
>TSG: As for the question at hand...
>TSG: No.
>TSG: Figure it out yourself.
>TSG: I'm 100% certain the problem is your stupidity.

I might've paraphrased that. In actuality, I told them the first 20 reasons that popped into my head.

To my amazement the problem was on our side.

...

His modem wasn't turned on.

In the three times I had a problem I couldn't fix (read: desynchronizing/broken modems), the thought of being aggressive towards a representative had never popped into my head. Why? These people are paid to solve my problems, so the least I could do is be humane to them. I also know they can't do much from their position, it's not like they can magically make my modem synchronize with their DSLAM.

As opposed to the last 30 morons that called them.

But I never said they were smart.

Case in point.

I had to conference call the cable company to transfer a business customer to MPLS. Since he's a business class, the transfer is (usually) done on the spot.

>C(able)TSG: Hello, this is [Cable company name here]. How can I help you?
>TSG: Hello there, how are things out there?
>CTSG: Fine, you?
>TSG: I'd rather not answer that. Anyway, this is TSG from [ISP name here] and I got a business customer here who wants to move to MPLS. Want his unique ID?
>CTSG: Hold on one moment, I'll transfer you to the relevant department.

* 5 minutes of obnoxious on-hold crap later *

>CTSG2: Hello, this is [Cable company name here]. How can I help you?
>TSG: Hello, this is TSG from [ISP name here] and I got a business customer here who wants to move to MPLS. I got transferred here from your tech support.
>CTSG2: Wait, why did that CTSG transfer you over here? We're the moving department.

As in "we coordinate between the time you move apartments and we hook up your cable".

I began to wonder if I've been listened to at all.

You could imagine how much I was swearing while keeping the people muted.

>CTSG2: I'll transfer you to the really correct department this time.

Naturally, they had a 20-minute waiting time. I had to drop the customer with them (after telling him precisely what to say) and handle the next moron in line.

You'd think it could be a call I'd get rid of quickly, but...

>TSG: * opening sentence cut in middle to see it's a guy from another department calling *
>CPG: Yo. I got a customer here whom I convinced to stay with us.

That's short for Customer Preservation. Aka the single worst department ever to work at.

>TSG: You want a medal for that? Why'd you call us?
>CPG: Yeah, well. I'm starting her user all over again and I need you to help her type that in her router.
>TSG: ... don't you people know we can't touch routers unless they're purchased from us?
>CPG: You're the TSG, I don't touch technicalities.
>TSG: Yes, but I'd expect you to have a brain. I guess us TSGs are the only people with brains in the company.
>CPG: I'm bringing her up.

A female customer. Who just got convinced not to leave us.

Great. The last thing I need is a condescending bitch who thinks her measly monthly payment makes her the queen bitch of the Universe.

>TSG: I'm TSG from the Tech Support department.
>Customer: Now listen here. I just got convinced to stay and I still have no Internet.
>TSG: And I care because? It's not my fault CPG is too retarded to have changed your username while enabling it all over again.
>Customer: Well, change it back?
>TSG: No shit sherlock, I already tried. The system won't let me because it's already taken.
>Customer: Hold on, let me put on my careface. It's your problem, fix it.
>TSG: And I'm liable to what the other guy did because...?
>Customer: You two are the same person to me.
>TSG: You DO realize I have the right to deny service the second I'm insulted, right? So stop your bitching and start helping me to help you to help me sustain my mental health. And paycheck.

In the end I had to bring up her router's TSGs to get her to type her username in.

Did I hear a "Thank you TSG and I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier"? No. Sometimes I think what's going on in these people's heads. Just because they waited 15 minutes on the phone they think they can vent their frustration at me?

The treatment you'll get from me is independent of waiting times, the amount of departments you've been transferred through or any other reason.

It's completely uniform.

I hate all of you equally. So stop your whining and be a nice little customer.

Of course, when you call us, there's no way you can be polite or pleasant, right? You just HAVE to be the most obnoxious, annoying and sanity-shattering retard to exist.

>TSG: * opening sentence *
>Customer: I haven't had Internet for a week now! Only now I got Internet connected!

(That means only now the infrastructure company is hooking up her cables. I had to use a rusty vice to get that information out of her.)

>TSG: ... I still don't see how this is related to me as you obviously CAN surf now.
>Customer: Well who's going to reimburse me for not having Internet the last week? I'm paying for it you know.
>TSG: Not me. And the relevant department is closed for the night, so you'll have to get your greedy tentacles to them tomorrow morning.
>Customer: You can't reimburse me right here right now?! I'm disconnecting, your service sucks!
>TSG: Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Even though our department doesn't even have access to this data, you still insist on doing something I don't have permissions to. In fact, you don't even deserve an Internet connection.

I have more stories but duty calls.

By that I mean copious amounts of alcohol.

Make something idiot-proof

And someone will make a better idiot. Today I want to talk about retards.

They're everywhere. Even in places you'd think would filter them efficiently.

It seems the company has, to my great disappointment, allowed retards in the call centers.

Not our department, thank god. Us TSGs actually have to KNOW a thing or two in order to work as TSGs. And since our customers are dumber than Dodos on crack cocaine, we often have to use our brains for them.

I mean it.

I can count the number of customers who knew what they were talking about on my hands. I can count the number of people I had a pleasant conversation with if you chopped all my fingers and toes.

Yes, yes... about the retards. I'm talking about Customer Service here.

I used to pity them once. After all, we just deal with retards. They deal with retards and their money. Then I had some of the most moronic calls just to realize these morons opened a DSL package (with DSL permissions) to a cable user and vice-versa.

Let's use logic here for a change. Suppose a customer calls who's listed as a DSL user. Unless he asks specifically for an infrastructure change, there's no bloody reason to change his surfing permissions. The same applies to the fancy crap we sell to these idiots. It's painfully obvious there ARE differences between DSL and cable. [At least over here, DSL technology is (duh!) using PPPoE while cable users use a VPN connection. Other than the whole copper wires/coaxial cables thing.]

But no. They fuck up. Then the customer (rightfully) calls one of us TSGs, wondering why they "have no Internet". And I have to dig through the shit some keyboard-dribbling dodo on magic mushrooms did with their user.

>CSG's Brain: So I did an upgrade to this guy. Should I even bother looking up the catalogue numbers for [Customer's infrastructure here]? Why no, I'll just type in the first one available, wait for the update and tell them it's done. I also won't document this act for shit, more work for the Tech Support department is always so much fun.

>Customer: I have no Internet.
>TSG: * Set of usual guiding questions the to get the info the Retarded Sea Cucumber (I meant "Customer", I swear!) should've provided in the first place *
>TSG: Hmmm. Apparently the guys over customer service fucked up with your user, giving you wrong permissions. Hold on a second please. * mute *

>TSG (to call center): Stupid retarded airheads! Why can't they do their job right and give me work I shouldn't be dealing with in the first place?
>People around: What did they do this time? Forget to enable his user? Gave him DSL permissions when he's cable? Collected his debt but didn't unfreeze his account? Listed a business customer as a private one?
>TSG (to people around): E: All of the above. Stupid blondes, should've been bloody waitresses instead of dealing with issues that require you to think.

Yeah. One of their fuck-ups was so royal, Intel left us to join another ISP. Intel. Because of these morons.

Just think for a while here. But not for too long, you might get permanent brain damage. Anyway, I had to conference call customer service again just to fix their problems.

[That call ended with the RSC in question thanking me for my professionalism. In return, I proceeded upstairs and beat up the moron in customer service for their retardation.]

Of course, the retarded sea cucumbers with down's syndrome think each and every one of us can do everything, including coming over their house just to do something they should damn know how to do.

I bet you can imagine this. I must've set up two or three dialers in over 10 years of using my trusty Internets, and... you guessed it, I used logic. Let's see the basic process of setting up a PPPoE dialer. I'll assume only basic knowledge.

1. My computer doesn't know how to connect to the Internet by itself and it says "Modem" on the box that came with the infrastructure technician guy. Whatever this "Modem" is, it must be facilitating the connection, because I didn't have one before.
2. * Several logical steps to plug in the modem. Damn, this should be obvious, but... "Plug in the appropriate cables into their respective receptacles.", "How do I do that?", "/facepalm, you don't deserve a connection to the Internet before you learn what a computer is. Go away, you make me sick." *
3. So... since this modem won't connect by itself, as evident by "This page cannot be displayed" in my IE, I need to let my computer know it can connect. I'm adding a control element to it, therefore it should be in the "Control panel".
4. This "Control Panel" should hold elements that are integral to the computer's function, therefore it should be easily accessible. "Start" should be a good start, *click* Control Panel, there it is.
5. "Internet" has "net" in it. So does "Network". I wonder if there's a correlation between the two. Network Connections, there you go.
6. Hmmm. My computer is only connected to the modem. I should let it know it can connect to the internet now. "Create a new connection".
7. * Basic steps to get through the install wizard *
8. I'm connected! I did it!

And there's absolutely zero need to call us. See what you can achieve with just THINKING every now and then? You should try it once. You might like it and won't have to call us.

* a 40-minute call where the RSC can't type in their username *
>RSC: Can't you just send someone over?
>TSG: You DO realize this process shouldn't take more than 5 minutes, right? The only one to blame is your rampant stupidity and if I were you, I'd never reproduce for the greater good of humanity.

As some people might have noticed, I've become increasingly sarcastic recently. I guess those chill pills I began to take don't affect me much nowadays. Many sentences I wouldn't dare to say earlier are being spoken freely.

>Customer: Hello, I have a problem.
>Customer: * dead silence *
>TSG: It's alright, I tracked down it's reasons, solved it and reduced its chances of occurring again.
>Customer: Really?
>TSG: Of course not you dolt, I have no idea what your problem is nor do I care about it.

Then they get pissy and whiny and tell me my service is bad.

>Customer: Your service is crap! I'm calling tomorrow and asking to leave you.
>TSG: Don't let the door hit you on the way out. It's not our fault you're too stupid to type in your password correctly, as evident by the hundreds of failed entries with the reason "Bad Password". Don't take me wrong though, I'd love to cancel your deal on the spot but I just can't access the cancellation panel. Sad, don't you think?

There's also the people who are convinced the problem is on our side.

Trust me, when there is a problem on our side, we're the first to know. At least by the dreaded Plasma Screen Of Death that says Calls Waiting: 9001.

At least we're responsible enough to let you morons know there is one and put up a message on the answering machine - not that you actually listen to it. I'd tell more about those times, but I'm more tired than a stud who worked in a snowfield for 8 hours straight and went back home uphill.

You guys think I'm mentally unstable? 'Cause I keep feeling like implementing my "Stress relief room" idea more and more.

Witty title

This is a verbose post.

Stolen quote.

Semi funny work story 1.

Call transcript 1.

Comments.

Pondering the future of mankind.

Semi funny work story 2.

Call transcripts 2-4.

Comments.

Finishing sentence.



Go away, I'm tired.

I'm going to be rich and famous

After I invent a device that lets you stab people in the face across the Internet.

How was my work, you ask?

Fine.

No really, I totally didn't have mouth-breathing lobotomized cockroaches that couldn't see more than one step ahead.

No really, these people aren't stupid.

Or...

>TSG: Go to Start -> Control Panel -> Network Connections.
>Customer: So I click on "Start"?
>TSG: Yes.
>Customer: I don't see it.

- Or -

>TSG: Double-click on Local Area Connection, click the "Support" tab and read me the IP address.
>Customer: With the left or right button?
>TSG (borderline enraged): Left.

- Or-

I happened to dictate a URL that has 'a', 'e' and 'i' in it. The customer couldn't distinguish the letters apart. Since most keyboards here are multilingual, I managed to tell him the URL by telling him to push the keys letter by letter using a different language.

I had to take a chill pill after that call.

I also managed to raise the concerns for my mental health.

I think the part where I put him on mute and began swearing in 5 languages across the entire call center might've had something to do with that.

- Or -

I get a call from a returning customer. I check the documentation from the previous TSG and I see that he was instructed exactly how to handle error 789. You'll never guess what error he had.

That's right.

789.

This I don't get. You get a set of instructions a retarded lobotomized cockroach with Down's syndrome would get, yet you have to call again.

The next person to say "But it's easier to call" gets kicked in the nose. With an iron boot. You have instructions, use them. Hell, our site has the same frigging instructions to set up dialers and stuff we use.

But no, people keep clicking screenshots and think it's our fault. I had that numerous times. They just don't. Read. The. Huge. Ass. Text. I keep wondering what's going on in these people's brains.

>Customer's Brain: Hmmm, this is a huge text. Should I read it? Hell no! I'll call tech support since I'm too stupid to read! * dial our number *

>TSG: What does the text say?
>Customer: It's a bunch of letters.
>TSG: No shit sherlock. Read it to me.
>Customer: It's something about [this] and something about [that].
>TSG: Tell me exactly what it says.

How the hell am I magically supposed to know what's going on in their computers?

I bet you can imagine the calls:

>Customer: Hello, I have a problem.
>TSG: It's alright, I discovered its reasons, fixed it and ensured it'd never happen again.

See how disgusting it is?

Did the customer learn to properly give the needed information? No.
Did the customer learn to cope with disappointment? No.
Did the customer learn to handle adversity? No.
Did the customer learn to leave me the hell alone? No.

Case in point.

>TSG: You'll have to fix this problem with [their infrastructure provider]. Their number is [number].
>Customer: Can't you call them?
>TSG: No, we have over 9000 waiting calls and we have to serve every moron like you in turn.
>Customer: So I talk with them, then I call you guys again?
>TSG: No, I've already blacklisted your phone number and deleted you from our systems. Never call us again. In fact, disassemble your computer and set yourself on fire.
>Customer: Oh okay.

Repeat 50 times a day.

Did I mention I hate people?

Anyway, you know how everything just has to have a fancy retarded little nickname to it?

We have one of those. The company motto, for example.

Another example is this: Apparently, some people are too stupid to turn on their computers without calling tech support. So the team leaders decided to make an ingenious move. Designate a team to specifically handle customers who called the center more than 5 times during the month.

The team's name? Guess. These assholes named the team "Popular customers team".

After recovering from the heart attack, I had an epiphany. Designate a room in the call center with punching bags and dummies modeled after the most retarded customers we ever took care of.

It's name? "Stress relief room".

I think the CEO would be happy to give his room for this. I'm also sure the room would be 100% full 24/7. Regardless of size.

My superiors need to hear this suggestion immediately.

(Bad) Parenting, Morons and Miscellaneous

Seems to have gone downhill quite a lot recently.

Today's "BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN" paradigm has put young impressionable children at a very delicate situation. Which is why people spend research funds on filtering algorithms so your teenage son might, God forbid, stumble across a porn site.

That's just stupid. When I was raised, there were none of those things. None of the content was filtered either. You wanted porn - just metacrawler it up (because Google didn't exist back then).

As for today's (and you, [future]) parents: Stop raising your children in an impregnable bubble! Experience is what makes us learn. It distinguishes us apart from animals and makes us who we are.

You're probably wondering: "What the hell is he on about? How is this related to his usual stuff?". The answer is simple.

We (the ISP) market things like that. Combine software that isn't "Next -> Next -> Next" (even though I had people ask me "Do I click on 'Next'?" when installing stuff) with the average customer's IQ and you get one of these gems:

>TSG: * Opening sentence I can't be arsed to repeat *
>Customer: Hello. I ordered some website filtering and wanted to see if it's active yet.
>TSG: Let me check.

I see her service is active.

>TSG: You're fine. "Inappropriate" content should be successfully blocked now. Try accessing one of those "inappropriate" sites.
>Customer: I'm at work and can't to it.

Imagine the tone of a snotty, condescending woman who thinks her crap money makes her the queen of the universe. It's a regularity here.

>TSG: Well, you have to be at a computer and logged on so you can see it. From here it all looks fine.
>Customer: I just want to filter out all porn sites.

30-something billion websites and she wants that? How about telling your kid: "Hey [name]. Going there is fine and natural. You just gotta use moderation. Too much is really bad for you." Let him experiment. That's the whole "experience" thing.

Then I had to explain her how to access her user panel and edit it if it requires any changes. She got upset because apparently, we're supposed to filter all (and I mean ALL) "inappropriate" content at people's whims. The usual "I'm not good with computers" crap pops up. I ponder the future of humanity.

That call ended pretty amicably. By "pretty" I mean I had to hit throw the headphone, hit the mute button and scream "That stupid cow" with a bunch of expletives across half the call center. Frustration and rage do that.

People were concerned. Mostly. Because they got used to one of the TSGs losing it every damn hour.

But it's not the fact that morons exist that bothers me. It's the fact that they statistically outnumber the more intelligent people. If this paradigm continues, we'll find ourselves in a world full of idiots one day. The movie Idiocracy sums up the idea quite well.

But I'm rambling too much, back to the point.

The usual "I have no internet", "I seem connected but Internet won't let me internet" or the ever-lovable "Is there a problem with your Internet now?"/"Is this internet? I have no internet" call.

90% of them caused by customer stupidity. Like trying to disconnect from a bridge mode modem, right-clicking their network connection and disabling it instead. Yet they expect me to dig their shit up.

[The next person to say "It's your job" gets stabbed in the face. My job is to play Bubbles or some puzzle games. Solve your own damn problems. I did, why can't you? Yes, when I had a problem I identified it, traced its source and ensured it'd never happen again. I only called people when the problem wasn't in my control, like desynchronizing modems.]

But no, we're supposed to help people who can't tell a dialer apart from their assholes. The guys over at the marketing and system departments aren't helping at all.

For instance, we had a system upgrade to remove error 691 from our systems. The replacement turned out to be a sticky page that says in the clearest language possible: "Your username or password are wrong."; It also shows a nice screenshot of the dialer with instructions a retarded lobotomized cockroach would get.

You know how many calls we got rid of thanks to that?

Zero.

Instead of "The internet won't let me have internet" calls I get:

>Customer: I have internet but there's no internet in my internet.

This might have been paraphrased. As my other sentences but those were my thoughts.

>TSG: Wow.
>TSG: That's really touching.
>TSG: I wonder who'll play you in the movie.
>Customer: I want you to help me.
>TSG: I don't. With that much information I'm more likely to hang up on you and go something productive like masturbating. How about telling me exactly what you're doing and its results?
>Customer: Well, I open up the internet and it won't let me surf.
>TSG: See? That wasn't so hard. You don't sound like a starfish with down's syndrome now. What's the result?
>Customer: It says something about my username or password being wrong.

Quick check in the logs will either show nothing (Wrong username) or "Failed reason: Bad password" (if you can't figure this one out, GTFO of my Internet).

>TSG: Then it's highly likely your username or password are wrong.

Then I usually run an identity check and give them their extremely simple passwords. But every once in a while, some moron tries to input their username and password in the screenshot of the dialer and complain it's not working.

Then I had an epiphany: Changing the sticky page to huge flashing red text with max volume sound playing "Your username or password are wrong!" indefinitely. That ought to do the trick, right?

...

Right?

* 50 retarded calls later*

Can't wait to be a senior.

Crap

Just like "love", it has many meanings.

It could mean the update schedule for Tech Support.

It could mean the state of the world.

For me, it means the way we're treated. Apparently, the morons at marketing got the customers used to the following: "If you yell hard enough and long enough, they will give you anything you want".

That could not be farther from the truth. In fact, don't ever yell at TSGs. It will only make us want to "accidentally" disconnect from the work terminal.

Remember, most (all) of us don't give a flying fuck about your measly problems. So keep crying about your "Limited or no connectivity" on your WLAN or how your router is causing you slowness, because we really don't care.

Even if we did, company policy says not to touch it with an 80-foot pole. We even have a nice disclaimer on the site, yet people actually think that:

1. I can see their desktops when configuring their dialers.
   
2. I know their homepage.
3. I know their bank's username/password.
4. I can come over their house hundreds of miles from the call center to plug in their modem.
5. The shift manager will come over to their workplace to fix their Outlook.
6. I know how, not speaking of allowed to, access their router and configure it.
7. Our speed tests shouldn't be trusted even when I tested them on the infrastructure level and got maximum speed.
8. Every problem they encounter is our fault.
   
9. The word "Reimbursement".
   
10. They deserve anything.
11. I have influence or control over the waiting times.
12. I can hop into the DNS server and reroute them to reduce their pings to BDSM porn sites.
13. Low-sodium salt is real.
14. Swearing over the phone.
15. People who call me from their cars/workplaces and think I can solve their problems.

I had calls for each and every one of the points.

Well, I lied about point 11, but that's just as stupid. Let's go point by point and see how stupid it really is.

1. Retarded. They're not even connected.
2. Moronic, yet I had a customer ask me the following: "When I used to open up some Internet, something used to go up, but now it doesn't. Why?".
   
1. About as informative as a retarded sea cucumber on crystal meth.
2. I still don't know or care about their problems.
3. Because I obviously monitor your computer and can track changes to your homepage.
   
4. Because I'd rather hijack your homepage than play Bubbles or 3dLogic.
3. This is related to us because...? The customer was surfing fine (that's where our treatment of problems ends) but he gets a "Bad username/password" error when logging his bank site. Seriously.
4. I've been yelled at because I asked them to plug in their bloody modems. A female customer got PMS on the spot and began screaming hysterically: "I'm not an electrician! How the hell am I supposed to know which cable goes where? You come over and fix it for me because I'm paying for this shit!"
1. "I'm paying" doesn't mean you're the queen of the world. Drama queen maybe, but you get exactly what you pay for. We won't go bankrupt over your pathetic money.
   
2. Don't ever dare to scream at us. Do I have to say we have the right to deny service to anyone whose behavior is intolerable?
3. Every modem has 3 ports. Their jacks are different. Figure it out, morons. I've had customers try to plug in a phone cable into an Ethernet port and vice-versa.
5. I've had it happen on a recent shift. Yes, we had problems with the mail server. Have to send an email NOW? Use gmail, retard. The shift managers are busy enough as it is: Yelling at us, talking with the guys with Customer Service, figuring out recurrent problems, talking over with the system guys if a server crashed, etc... They are indeed too busy for you. That's why we and the STSGs are there.
6. Can't touch it with an 80-foot pole even if I know it inside out. Company policy, not me. Don't like it? Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it. It's YOUR router, not us.
7. I covered it before, but another moron had to ask me that question. Well, if you don't trust us, off with you. Less retards to deal with. That was AFTER I tested his speed over the coaxial cable level, i.e. as lowest as you can get. I told him he's fine, but he kept insisting that some completely unrelated test said otherwise, therefore the problem is on our side. Even after I proved mathematically that his speed is indeed the maximum he can get for the deal he signed up for.
8. People, get it through your thick skulls: Even though we're not infallible (as evident by the last few weeks), statistically 90% of the problems are your fault. From poorly-configured dialers, outlook accounts to additional services we provide, very rarely the problem is on our side. When it is, we take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.
9. Customer Service is over there. I just don't care.
10. "I deserve" triggers my moron alarm. You call for help, you don't deserve it. In fact, I'd rather play Bubbles than take your call in the first place.
11. When waiting times are high, we keep getting bitched at constantly. PLEASE. Don't vent your frustration on us. We know about them better than you, we have them updated in real-time. At least appreciate we took your call instead. When your opening line is "Why, thank you for responding in the first place, I've been waiting for so-and-so" in a condescending tone, I don't feel like helping you. I'd rather transfer you back to the queue so you wait some more. If you have to mention "wait times", say "Thanks for taking my call TSG, you guys must be quite busy down there". I'll be way more amicable with you, really.
    
12. You probably shouldn't be watching that in the first place. The only thing I can and will do is reroute you to an alternate DNS server.
13. That's just stupid. Salt. NaCl. Curiosity got the best of me and I found out that they put in KCl (Potassium Chloride) instead of ~6% of sodium chloride. KCl is used in lethal injections. Do your own math.
14. Don't. The "hang up" button is really close to me. I don't give a crap about your bad day or how you can't send your baby photos. It doesn't justify swearing at me or wishing the company go bankrupt.
15. Your presence at the computer is required. Period. Whether it's pinging our DNSs, configuring your email, you have to be there. End of story.
    

Which pretty much sums up the average customer's IQ. But since I'm the nicest and most altruistic person on Earth, I want to make your time calling us a little better.

So here's a guide, when calling Tech Support (not necessarily me) to make a TSG less hostile to you:

1. Know your problem ahead. Saying "Hello, I have a problem" isn't making the call go anywhere. You have a problem, no shit sherlock. Isn't it why you called us in the first place? It will also piss me off and make me think you're retarded. You probably are, but at least TRY not to make yourself one on your opening line.
2. When we need to know your modem, don't tell us the logo written on it. Neither is saying "Your modem" because we don't market modems. Try seeing what's WRITTEN on it and infer its model. It's not that hard, I promise.
   
3. Your username. Know it. It's your unique identifier and makes my time a lot easier. Being connected through MPLS or a router is not an excuse not to remember them.
4. Our system can recognize you using your caller ID. It's preferred you call from your account's registered phone number and/or don't mask your call ID.
5. If you need your username/password, have means of identification readily available.
   
6. Appreciate the fact I took my precious time from playing Bubbles to take your call. Never bitch at me.
7. If I can't solve your problem, it's probably not my fault in the first place. I have very few things under control, so your threats to send complaint letters when your WLAN isn't connected won't do jack shit. Don't whine about poor service.
   
8. Our department only handles browsing, email and additional products. We don't do crap if your ICQ/Messenger isn't working or if your emule download speeds are slow. For obvious reasons.
9. Don't ever confuse us with our parent company. They handle ADSL infrastructure. We are the ISP. Our phone numbers are different. Have a problem with them? Call them, not us. Your modem can't synchronize? You're trying to connect to their internal network and get error 691? Call them.

I have plenty of calls to update Tech Support with, but not now. I want you to read, memorize and adhere to these simple rules. Hell, they could be deduced using common sense, but nothing is common about common sense.

I hate people.

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Leave a message to Customer Service to call me tomorrow.
>TSG: Can't do that.
>Customer: Then tell your shift manager to.
>TSG: Neither can he, call them yourself.

This is the time they get enraged and yell at me because some department opened an ADSL package when they have cable infrastructure. As if it's my fault.

Treat TSGs better, people. We're here to solve your problems. The least we want is some appreciation.

Motivation

I got a lot of it recently.

If there are young impressionable children among Tech Support readers, they should take this to heart.

By that, I mean: "Just get the point and follow it for the rest of your life". You know those "Stay in school", "Don't do drugs" motivationals that people hardly adhere to?

They don't do jack shit. For one reason: They're a bad idea wrapped with a stupid design and shipped in a retarded box.

This is why.

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello TSG. I'm not receiving any email.

I send a test email, check their mailbox and voile, it's there.

>TSG: It's fine, your email program is just poorly configured.
>Customer: What's an email program? You mean like opening email?

Did I mention it's pretty much equivalent to using "Internet" as a noun?

>TSG: You know, Outlook Express, Microsoft Outlook, freakin' Incredimail.
>Customer: I don't know, I just open the email and my email comes to me, but now there's no email there and I KNOW I should get some.
>TSG: * instructions to reach the web interface for the mail servers *
>Retarded Sea Cucumber: You mean open up the internet?

Long story short, she had to re-ask me every single instruction.

>Customer: What do I do?
After I told her explicitly how to reach the site.

>Customer: Where it says "Address"?
When I told her to type the URL.

>Customer: I can't see it.
When I told her where the address bar is.

You get the point. I hope.

20 minutes later, she manages to type a 10-character URL properly and actually gets to the site.

>Customer: It says here "User name, Password".
>TSG: Then you should probably type in your user name and password.
>Customer: So I should type it?
>TSG: Yes.
>Customer: Login failed.
>TSG: Because you didn't type in the password.
>Customer: I had to do that? You didn't tell me that.
>TSG: See "user name AND password".
>Customer: Oh. Well, not everyone's smart like you.
>TSG: If they were, the world would be a much better place.

There's no need for a poorly designed guilt trip. This is due to several reasons.

First, it doesn't work on me. If I had any consciousness or compassion, I might care a little.

Second, I don't give a damn about your education, you, your problem, how much you're paying, etc. I think I made that point clear enough.

Third, saying that is obvious. You're calling us in the first place. Which could mean two things:

1. You're too dumb to solve your own problems.
2. The problem actually stems from us and needs to get fixed.
   

Point 2 happened some time ago. I'll elaborate on it later. However 90% of the cases are customers' own stupidity.

Prime example:

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello. I can't get any email.

That's just like "not having Internet". I can't get any valuable information other than "Customer is a moron". Quick check in the logs, and...

>TSG: It appears you're not connected to the Internet.
>Customer: I have to be connected to get my email?

Before I started working, calls like that would land in the "There's no way this is real" category. How wrong I was...

>TSG: No, your ELECTRONIC mail magically appears in your mailbox.

Long story short, the solution to the "problem" was connecting them. By that I mean 10-minute instructions to reach their dialer, input their user name/password and click "Connect".


And FINALLY, this isn't a case of superior intelligence. I've had people with alleged Ph.D's call me and ask the same retarded questions as that retarded sea cucumber.

No offense to the actual retarded sea cucumbers was intended in the above sentence.

See where I'm going here?

...

Yes. Using your brains, strain the atlas bone, etc... You know the drill.

Back to the first call. After she finally saw her emails and got convinced it wasn't related to us, she said:

>Customer: Wow, you're really smart and you can give good service.
>TSG: This crap is damn obvious, you should know this but God knows why not.

Paraphrased.

>Customer: Well, we dropped out of high school, so we never learned as much.
>TSG: Oh my dear god.

Not that I care but Jesus H. Christ! I thought it was impossible given our shitty system, but doing that is quite an achievement. Of failure.

>Customer: I bet you think I'm a total idiot now, right?
>TSG: Yes. You're the single most retarded customer I've ever faced and if I could, I'd ban you from getting 100 meters to a computer. In fact, I'd ban you from driving, reproducing and voting. You're a dead branch in human evolution and your faulty genes need to be removed from the gene pool for the greater good of humanity. You're detrimental to our evolution and pose an existential threat to us as a species. Now get off the line so I won't have to see my IQ drop in front of me.

Then I went to the archive room and wiped all new recordings. Then I wiped the logs of recording activities. Then I went to the camera feed room with a stun gun, electromagnet and duct tape. Then I flashed everyone in the call center with my trusty neuralyzer.

In retrospect, I think I could've handled the call better.

Now, what did we learn from this?

If there is anything you, the young impressionable readers of Tech Support should learn is the following immutable truth, the guideline of life: STAY IN YOUR CURRENT EDUCATIONAL FACILITY! FINISH YOUR SCHOOL AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT TIER! USE YOUR BRAINS!

Or you might end up like the person at the other end of the phone line.