Motivation

I got a lot of it recently.

If there are young impressionable children among Tech Support readers, they should take this to heart.

By that, I mean: "Just get the point and follow it for the rest of your life". You know those "Stay in school", "Don't do drugs" motivationals that people hardly adhere to?

They don't do jack shit. For one reason: They're a bad idea wrapped with a stupid design and shipped in a retarded box.

This is why.

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello TSG. I'm not receiving any email.

I send a test email, check their mailbox and voile, it's there.

>TSG: It's fine, your email program is just poorly configured.
>Customer: What's an email program? You mean like opening email?

Did I mention it's pretty much equivalent to using "Internet" as a noun?

>TSG: You know, Outlook Express, Microsoft Outlook, freakin' Incredimail.
>Customer: I don't know, I just open the email and my email comes to me, but now there's no email there and I KNOW I should get some.
>TSG: * instructions to reach the web interface for the mail servers *
>Retarded Sea Cucumber: You mean open up the internet?

Long story short, she had to re-ask me every single instruction.

>Customer: What do I do?
After I told her explicitly how to reach the site.

>Customer: Where it says "Address"?
When I told her to type the URL.

>Customer: I can't see it.
When I told her where the address bar is.

You get the point. I hope.

20 minutes later, she manages to type a 10-character URL properly and actually gets to the site.

>Customer: It says here "User name, Password".
>TSG: Then you should probably type in your user name and password.
>Customer: So I should type it?
>TSG: Yes.
>Customer: Login failed.
>TSG: Because you didn't type in the password.
>Customer: I had to do that? You didn't tell me that.
>TSG: See "user name AND password".
>Customer: Oh. Well, not everyone's smart like you.
>TSG: If they were, the world would be a much better place.

There's no need for a poorly designed guilt trip. This is due to several reasons.

First, it doesn't work on me. If I had any consciousness or compassion, I might care a little.

Second, I don't give a damn about your education, you, your problem, how much you're paying, etc. I think I made that point clear enough.

Third, saying that is obvious. You're calling us in the first place. Which could mean two things:

1. You're too dumb to solve your own problems.
2. The problem actually stems from us and needs to get fixed.
   

Point 2 happened some time ago. I'll elaborate on it later. However 90% of the cases are customers' own stupidity.

Prime example:

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello. I can't get any email.

That's just like "not having Internet". I can't get any valuable information other than "Customer is a moron". Quick check in the logs, and...

>TSG: It appears you're not connected to the Internet.
>Customer: I have to be connected to get my email?

Before I started working, calls like that would land in the "There's no way this is real" category. How wrong I was...

>TSG: No, your ELECTRONIC mail magically appears in your mailbox.

Long story short, the solution to the "problem" was connecting them. By that I mean 10-minute instructions to reach their dialer, input their user name/password and click "Connect".


And FINALLY, this isn't a case of superior intelligence. I've had people with alleged Ph.D's call me and ask the same retarded questions as that retarded sea cucumber.

No offense to the actual retarded sea cucumbers was intended in the above sentence.

See where I'm going here?

...

Yes. Using your brains, strain the atlas bone, etc... You know the drill.

Back to the first call. After she finally saw her emails and got convinced it wasn't related to us, she said:

>Customer: Wow, you're really smart and you can give good service.
>TSG: This crap is damn obvious, you should know this but God knows why not.

Paraphrased.

>Customer: Well, we dropped out of high school, so we never learned as much.
>TSG: Oh my dear god.

Not that I care but Jesus H. Christ! I thought it was impossible given our shitty system, but doing that is quite an achievement. Of failure.

>Customer: I bet you think I'm a total idiot now, right?
>TSG: Yes. You're the single most retarded customer I've ever faced and if I could, I'd ban you from getting 100 meters to a computer. In fact, I'd ban you from driving, reproducing and voting. You're a dead branch in human evolution and your faulty genes need to be removed from the gene pool for the greater good of humanity. You're detrimental to our evolution and pose an existential threat to us as a species. Now get off the line so I won't have to see my IQ drop in front of me.

Then I went to the archive room and wiped all new recordings. Then I wiped the logs of recording activities. Then I went to the camera feed room with a stun gun, electromagnet and duct tape. Then I flashed everyone in the call center with my trusty neuralyzer.

In retrospect, I think I could've handled the call better.

Now, what did we learn from this?

If there is anything you, the young impressionable readers of Tech Support should learn is the following immutable truth, the guideline of life: STAY IN YOUR CURRENT EDUCATIONAL FACILITY! FINISH YOUR SCHOOL AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT TIER! USE YOUR BRAINS!

Or you might end up like the person at the other end of the phone line.

"I'm not good with computers"

This phrase almost pisses me off as much as using "Internet" as a noun.

Being unable to set up dialers, outlook accounts, etc... is fully understandable.

Yes, I can understand you haven't engorged yourself in the inner workings of your computer. That's why we're here for and that's why we get paid.

But...

A situation I find totally unacceptable is saying "I'm not good with computers" and giving up on using your brain.

The ability to think [critically] is what makes us human. Not the classification of Homo Sapiens, not the highest brain-to-body-mass ratio on the planet, not anything like that.

However, I feel I covered that topic well enough, though so I'll get right to the point.

I had the (mis)fortune to sit next to a TSG who got an... unusual call. We call those calls "delusional", however everyone knows that's fancy for "retarded". For continuity's sake I'll write the call as it went from her point of view. I just listened to the chit-chat while reading the report for that call.


>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello? I can't get to the Internet.

+1, might not be completely retarded.

>TSG: Okay, try surfing through "My computer" to [static IP address here].

Standard procedure here, nothing out of the ordinary.

>Customer: Huh?

Alarm bells are ringing.

>TSG: Open up "My Computer" and try surfing from there.
>Customer: You mean open the box?
>TSG: No, I mean double-click on the "My Computer" icon.
>Customer: I can't see it.

Danger, Will Robinson!

>TSG: Start -> My Computer.
>Customer: What did you say? I'm not good with computers, so try to explain in terms I'll understand.

I saw alarm bells ringing around the TSG's head. Literally.

>TSG: Is your computer even on?
>Customer: How can I tell?

Sweet Jesus!

>TSG: What color is your monitor?
>Customer: White.
>TSG: What does it say on the monitor?
>Customer: Uh... ASUS.

Remember that these people are allowed to reproduce, vote, drive, work, etc...

>TSG: What color is the inside part of the monitor?
>Customer: Black.
>TSG: Try pressing the power button. I have the feeling it'll be a good start.
>Customer: Which is the power button?

The computer vendor should've sold him a Mac.

>TSG: The big button right next to where it says "Power".
>Customer: It doesn't do anything.
>TSG: Then it's no wonder you "have no Internet". You really need a working computer to surf the Internet.
>Customer: No one told me that. You guys sold me DSL!
>TSG: We usually assume you people aren't that retarded. I guess we got a counter-argument right there.

Do I really need to tell you it's paraphrased? I hope not.

>Customer: Well, this sucks. No one told me I need a computer to have my Internet! I'm disconnecting.
>TSG: Good riddance.

That's how the call went. More or less.

I was idling next to her and listening intently. I can testify this being 100% real. I think we eventually put her on speaker phone for all to hear.

Can you see my misanthropy now?

It just got amplified recently, and I want to tell you why.

Our team leader gathered the team on one evening. After a boring acquaintance round we agreed that we have drug dealers, necrophiliacs and mail order granny dealers in the team.

I kept my misanthropy hidden from everyone. Mainly because they didn't know what the word "misanthrope" stands for.

The team leader then told some of his stories when he was a TSG. A senior TSG to be exact.

STSG's don't deal with customers. (I have immediate future aspirations)

Unless a customer specifically wants a "manager call". That's when a senior calls the customer and explains them why they're still retarded. A prime example I'll remember for a long time is:

Some time, they had to fax a customer instructions how to run a system restore.

Yes, going Start -> All Programs -> Accessories -> System Tools -> System Restore is that hard.

Anyway, something was wrong in her fax machine and 2 of the 4 pages didn't arrive. So they resent the fax and it arrived fine. The call went something like this:

>Customer: I deserve a reimbursement for the 2 pages lost in my fax machine because of you!
>TSG: And that's related to us because...?
>Customer: Well, if you hadn't sent the friggin' fax, I wouldn't lose 2 pages over nothing!

She's griping about 2 pages of paper. If I were in his place, I'd probably put her on hold to bash my forehead against the desk.

>TSG: Okay, wait 5 minutes please. I'll call you back.

* exactly 5 minutes later, no seriously, 300 seconds *

>TSG: Alright [customer name here], I've reimbursed you for two (2) blank pages.
>Customer: Where are they?
>TSG: See your fax machine.

See what he did there?

>TSG: Would you like more? I mean, I got a 500-pack right here and I'm feeling generous.
>Customer: I knew you'd see it my way.

These people are allowed to reproduce.
These people are allowed to vote.
These people are allowed to drive.
These people are allowed to work in potentially dangerous environments.

I'm going to promote eugenics and selective breeding.

Using your brain

It doesn't hurt. Really. I can testify that it really doesn't hurt!

So at least try it freaking ONCE.

Just like people who want me to help set up a dialer when their network card isn't even installed. Sure, you can (and probably do) call me a pretentious condescending prick, but I'd like to take some time to explain you how, just by thinking clearly, you can deduce fairly complex stuff.

Most of my customers can't.

Hell, most of them don't even know their operating system.

>TSG: So, [Customer name here], tell me your version of windows.

It matters to set up dialers. (You wouldn't believe how many people call for elementary stuff like that)

>Customer: How can I tell?
>TSG: * Instructions *
>Retarded Sea Cucumber: I see a bunch of letters.
>TSG: Reading them would be a good start.
>Retarded Sea Cucumber: My English sucks.
>TSG: No, your brain is dead. It also was dead to begin with. You're retarded.

Paraphrased. Just slightly.

>TSG: Now read it before I hang up on you, cancel your package, blacklist your phone numbers, erase your contact info, sign you up for the maximum number of content IDs, report your credit card as stolen and ban your IP from our site.

Yes, I said just that.

>Customer: Meecrosoft whinedows XP

Verbatim.

I can understand if someone is really bad at the language, but LEARN IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! The prevalent language of our beloved Internet is English. See the address bar? English. 2girls1cup? English.

I learned it. Why can't you? I'm not even that smart.


Anyway, back to the topic.

If I had to setup an Internet connection not knowing anything about the inner workings of my computer, I'd probably think like this:

1. This is the computer. It's made up of several intricately connected parts.
2. These parts are independent of each other. Evident by my ability to remove any of those. They're still integral to the overall workings of the computer, but I can replace them with other models. This means they must communicate in one way or another.
3. This way of communication also has to be universal, because there are so many different computers. It also has to be recognized by whatever thing that translates 0s and 1s to what I see on the monitor.
4. What's this "driver" thing? Using 1, 2 and 3, this "driver" thingamabob has to be the stuff that combines all the stuff together. I'll install it. Even its name implies it "drives" whatever makes my connection to the Internet possible.
   
5. "Local Area Connection" appeared in the lower right-hand corner of the screen. "Local", "Area" and "Connection" must all mean that this telephone-like connection is now recognized.

I'm talking about Ethernet cables here.
Now, how hard can this be? Just logical thinking. It could get you far, you should try it once.

* ring *
>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello. I'd like you to help me do an initial connection on a freshly-bought computer.

I did too many calls like that to get annoyed.

>TSG: Okay, Start -> Control Panel -> Network Connections
>Customer: Done.

I'm paraphrasing it slightly to get to the point.

>TSG: Is there a "Local Area Connection" or anything like it in the folder?
>Customer: No.
>TSG: And this is a freshly-bought computer.
>Customer: Yes.
>TSG: Install your motherboard's drivers and please call again.
>Customer: So I have to install them?
>TSG: Yes.

This part is really weird. Why people re-ask stupid questions?
From a different call:

>TSG: Okay, click on Start.
>Customer: So I should click on "Start"?
>TSG: Yes, you should.

I know there's the will to be sure, but again, USE YOUR FREAKING BRAINS! They're not there to strain your atlas bone.

Of course, brains and customers are mutually exclusive in 99.99% of the cases.

I had to run netsh with one of the customers lately. Network Shell is a CLI in windows XP used to access network-related commands at the command line level.

>TSG: Okay, type "i i r 1.txt".

This is syntactic sugar for "interface ip reset 1.txt". Guess what it does.

>Customer: Which button is the space?
>TSG: It's right next to the "any" key.

I'm not being sarcastic this time, I said just that.

* 20 seconds later *

>TSG: Now hit enter.
>Customer: Which key is that?

I considered self-defenestration.

Actually, I was too busy bashing my head on the desk.

>Customer: It gave me an error.
>TSG: Then you typed it wrong. Press the up key, and delete the command line until you deleted the error.
>Customer: How do I delete?

You are afflicted by Neverending Rage.
You are afflicted by Urge To Extinct Mankind.

He had to ask me a few hundred more times where are the three most used keys on the keyboard are.

>Customer: Is it the key with the left-pointing arrow?
>TSG: Yes.

Some people shouldn't be allowed anywhere near computers.

So, my advice to you this time is:

USE YOUR GODDAMN BRAINS!

You might not make a complete fool out of yourself.

That little voice inside you

No, not conscience.

Gut feeling. "Sixth sense", or whatever.

That little voice of reason inside you. It usually tells you that you're about to do something retarded. That speck of doubt which makes you wonder "Am I going to regret doing this?".

I didn't listen to the voice and switched shifts with another TSG today.

Sign up, log in, etc...

Calls waiting: 0
Number of idlers: 60% of center

You gain Glee.

>TSG (to adjacent people): Hey guys, what's going on?
>Other TSG: Oh, we're on a systematic failure now. We can't deal with anything.

You gain Ultra-Glee.

Check personal status on log-on screen...

Your first priority is [non-official language here].

Which means that as long as [official language here] guys are idling, I won't get calls in that language.

You gain Freakin' Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Glee.

I'd dance if I could (anything but waltz. Yeah, I can waltz but without proper setting it's gay). I literally sat on my thumb the first hour.

Well,... unless you count:

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service. Currently we have a systematic failure inhibiting every representative's ability to help and affecting all customers. Please try again later. If your error persists, please call in an hour or so.

every few minutes as work.

Then...

>Shift Manager (over PA): Okay guys, they fixed the servers, we're slowly going back to full action now. We're not taking care of [error] and [customer stupidity-induced error] yet though.

Glee fades from you.

You know what part I hate? Where you tell people stuff and they follow it to the letter. They don't think about implications or anything, they just do it to the letter. In every wrong way possible.

I hope you see where this is going.

>Retard: Hmmm, TSG told me to call in an hour.

* 60 minutes later *

>Retard: * dial TSG's number *

Calling us is wrong. It's bad for my sanity and their already low IQ. Especially when the problem is something like:

>Customer: I'm getting error 678 and the DSL lamp on my modem isn't on.

That sentence was slightly paraphrased to get to the point. So far, no one has ever provided me with so much detail that turned out to be actually useful.

That is, I didn't have to ask retarded questions in order to get the information. Or not.

>TSG: Is it connected to the phone line?
>Customer: I don't know.
>TSG: Find out.
>Customer: How do I do that?

Primal Reproduction Instinct fades from you.
You are afflicted by Genocidal Tendencies.

>TSG: * instructions a retarded sea cucumber would understand *
>Retarded Sea Cucumber: I'm not an electrician! There's wires and stuff all over the place! I'll never know which is which.

That call ended with physically connecting the modem to the phone line. I had to write "Solution: Connect modem to phone line" in the report.
Yes, people call us for stupid crap like that.


Anyway, I was peacefully minding my own business, occasionally flipping some moron off, when the systematic failure status got recalled.

Calls waiting: 10

Okay, I've had worse. 2 minutes later,

Calls waiting: 40

Oh god, they're coming in like fat people in a buffet!

Calls waiting: 100

I should've listened to the voice.

>Shift Manager (over PA): Guys, no breaks in the next 20 minutes. We're also dealing with connection issues only.
>TSG (muttering to himself): I hate you all.


Ever had a time where you had to work straight with 4 seconds to loose your focus a bit every 10-20 minutes? That's peak times for us.

Agonizing times. Now, calculate the distribution of retards, probability that a retard will call us over a completely moronic issue that WILL make you want to gouge your eyes out, multiply by 50 and you get pretty much 4 hours of my shift.

You'd think people got smart enough to set up dialers and email accounts in their stupid little programs. You'd be very, very, very wrong.

But then...
>Shift Manager (over PA): Come on guys, just a little push now until idling.

* 5 minutes and 2 stupid calls later *

>Shift Manager (over PA): Well done everyone. You can applaud yourselves 'cause you deserved it.

Glance:

Calls waiting: 0

You gain Impulsive Cheer.
You gain Urge to Dance.

* ring *
Goddamnit.

In retrospect, I could've avoided the entire situation. I could've listened to the voice and never switched with the other TSG in the first place.

So, people, my advice to you is:

LISTEN TO THE DAMN VOICE!

It might just save your life.

Greed, among other human qualities

Is a bad, bad thing.

I don't know what's going on in people's brains or about the prevalent "I deserve" mentality here.

Take our department for example. The service provided is a toll-free call. That means it's free.

You don't deserve tech support, the company was gracious enough to bestow it upon you. That is, build call centers, recruit proper people, equip us with gear, train us to deal with morons and pay us shitty salary to deal with said morons.

Not to mention planning all of it in the first place. Or setting up toll-free numbers, queue systems, monitoring systems, logs, supervisors. The list is long.

If it were up to me, you'd be solving your own damn problems.

Some of you might not have been reading this in that case.

Which is a good thing.

So, I'm in a state of shock after another retarded call, and...

* ring *
You are afflicted by Abysmal Mood.

>TSG: [ISP name] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Good [time of day] TSG. I was wondering, I recently switched from [infrastructure]
to [other infrastructure] and I didn't get a gift when I switched.

You are afflicted by Infectious Stupidity.

>TSG: And this is related to tech support because...?

That last sentence was slightly paraphrased.

>Customer: Well, my ninth-degree cousin's daughter's nephew's grandfather got [shitty gift] when HE switched and I was wondering why I didn't do the same.

>TSG [to himself while keeping moron on hold]: Please, make the "cancel" button work. For the love of anything that's holy to you.

You do not have sufficient privileges to access this command.
You are afflicted by Homicidal Tendencies.

>TSG: Then you'll have to figure it out with our [other department here].
>Customer: They had long waiting times so I thought you could help me.

I don't think I've ever transferred someone faster than this. Then I began thinking how people like this are allowed anywhere near a computer.

You know how every department deals with a specific issue? We solve Internet-related problems.

Others deal with retards not paying in time, explaining retards why they paid exactly as the deal said, making sure retards won't cancel their subscriptions, etc...

How on earth can you expect me to do something I don't even have access to?

I'm here to "Fix your internet".

Ironically, only once the problem did really stem from us.

Quick glance,...

Calls waiting: 79
Oldest call waiting: 14:34

You are afflicted by No Breaks For Thirty Minutes.
You gain Enrage.

>Shift Manager (over PA): Okay guys, we're declaring a systematic failure status. One of our servers crashed, so we're not dealing with anything now, regardless of anything.

Your Enrage was dispelled by Shift Manager.
Shift Manager casts Glee on Call Center.
You gain Glee(50).

I think I could hear 150 voices cheering "YES!" at the same second.

So we got back to our posts and went to work. The customers went down like flies.

>TSG: [ISP name] at your service, TSG speaking. We currently have a systematic failure and are unable to deal with any issues. This failure is currently affecting all customers. Please try again later.

Repeat forty times over the course of 10 minutes. I've never experienced a longer lasting Glee yet. That pretty much ended my shift there.

It was actually better than usual. I didn't have to put up with these morons for more than it was necessary to spew out what I needed to say and hit the "Hang up" button.



Anyway, people have been asking me why I think "I have no internet" is retarded.

"Stupid questions demand stupid answers", so in case I haven't been clear about it...

When someone says they "have no internet", it's retarded because:

1. They're not helping me diagnose the problem at all.
2. They sound like they don't know even the most basic crap of computing.
3. They're contributing nothing to the call.
4. You are afflicted by Facepalm.
5. I have to interrogate them further just to get SOME information to work with.
6. They're trying to sound like they have a clue, which they don't in 99.99% of the cases.
   

I mean it. There are too many factors that inhibit a connection.

Did their modem fail to synchronize? Are they typing in their username/password wrong? Are they even connecting to us? Is their IE (mostly) in offline mode? Is their network card disabled or even installed?

Or,...

Is the caller a mouth-breathing moron that needs to have a restraining order from computers?

...

Mostly it's the latter.

* ring *

>TSG: [ISP name] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Uh, hello. I have no internet.
>Customer: ...
>Customer: ...
>Customer: ...

He literally didn't say anything after the first sentences.

Damn it, I hate people so much.

Proactive service

So many hidden meanings behind two simple words.

It could mean selfless benevolence.

It could mean the pinnacle of virtue.

Now think where I work. I'll give you a moment for it to kick in.

Yes.

Now, think about 99.99% of the callers and finally, think about what "proactive service" could stand for at the call center.

Okay, stop thinking. You might cause irreversible brain damage or God forbid, call us.

I'll let you in on the secret. It stands for "sell crap to retards they could live perfectly well without". Apparently, it's part of our job to offer this to people.

A prime example (and one seen very often) is ISP-side virus/spyware filtering through ports 80 and 21.

Just when I thought people got smart enough not to get trojans while surfing. Damn, I was wrong.

Another is an electronic nanny that filters out "undesirable content" by categories. I pity the poor teenagers whose batshit insane moms deprive them of valuable educational material.

By that I mean porn. Lots of porn. The internet is for porn.

So, a "good" call usually ends like this:
(by "good" I mean, a call that doesn't make me bash my head repeatedly into the table. Or, 0.01% of calls)

>Customer: Thanks a lot TSG, you handled my issue really well.
>TSG: Thank you. Say, did you know that as a customer of [ISP name here] you deserve [crap deal here] for [insane overprice here]?
>Customer: Oh, I do? Please, do tell!

And there I begin the sales pitch.

>TSG: With [crap deal here] you get [crap], [feces] and [excrement], all for [insanely overpriced tag]!
>Customer: I'm in. Sign me up.
>TSG: Alright.
>TSG: Done, your new [crap deal here] will be active in [minuscule time period here].

Come on, you honestly think it's that easy?

I'll tell you right now. I absolutely hate doing this.

Not because I care about the customers, no.

In fact, if I could, I'd sign them up for every possible content ID, lock down their record in the system, delete their real IDs from it so Customer Service won't be able to track him down and report his credit card to the bank. He would've been paying for the rest of his credit card validity.

It's because I have to keep them on the line for more time and listening to their snotty mouth-breathing voice that makes me want to self-defenestrate.

I'd rather deal with the next moron in line.

He may even have a problem that doesn't stem from his own stupidity. I hope. For my personal sanity and his own good (and content IDs).

So I finish the report, quick glance:
Calls waiting: 0

You gain Glee.

Alt-tab, open a browser, fire up Bubbles. This is almost a conditional reflex now.

As soon as I'm about to clear two colors in one shot...

* ring *

Your Glee was dispelled by Customer.

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Yeah, hello? My internet is gone.

You gain Facepalm Position (1).

>TSG: What do you mean by that? Do you get an error?
>Customer: No, I click the internet button, the big 'E' icon and there's no internet in it.

You gain Facepalm Position (2).

It's a good thing we get headphones. That way I have two free hands to bash against my forehead. So far, I'm still ignoring the fact he's using IE.

Speaking of IE, the amount of Firefox users is ridiculously low. Coincidentally, the two Firefox users I spoke with knew what they were doing, explained their problems coherently and followed my instructions but didn't hesitate to use their brain.

I wonder.

Anyway after a quick check in the logs and I find that he's not connected under his registered user name.

>TSG: It appears you're not connected to the Internet.
>Customer: So what do I do?

Faith in Humanity fades from you.

>TSG: Connecting to the Internet would be a good start.
>Customer: I have a router, it should connect automatically.

That's where he struck a touchy subject. Company policy says we don't support routers unless they either pay us extra or the router was purchased from us. So even if I knew it inside out I still couldn't instruct him.

>TSG: Well, did you purchase the router from us?
>Customer: No, I bought it in [completely unrelated to us store name here].

You gain Facepalm position (3).

If he bought it at his infrastructure provider I could've ended the call in 5 seconds. "Call [other company name here], their telephone is [number], thanks for calling".

It seems retards and bad luck aren't mutually exclusive.

>TSG: Then you'll have to either switch to a direct connection or contact the router manufacturer to get assistance.
>Customer: I don't want a direct connection, I want to have my internet in the garden next to my step son's third degree cousin's grandfather's nephew.

You are afflicted by Infectious Stupidity.

"Internet", noun, etc... This makes me seriously thinking of tracking down people and euthanize them for the greater good.

His last sentence was slightly paraphrased. But you get the general idea.

I hope.

For your own good.

Don't make me ban your IP range. Anyway,

>TSG: Then I can't help you out as the problem obviously stems from your router.
>Customer (slightly agitated): I pay [ISP name here], (borderline enraged) so YOU WILL FIX MY INTERNET AND YOU WILL FIX IT NOW.
>TSG: [Customer name here], given that there isn't a systematic failure at the moment, your problem stems from two things: One, your line. Two, your router. None of which are in my control. Since I can't find you in our logs, chances are you'll have to edit your router's internal settings. Since I have no knowledge of them, nor access to such knowledge, nor authorization to access to such knowledge even if I could get to it, my assistance in your case can only be minimal at best.
>Customer: (screaming) WHAT? I PAY FOR THIS! I DESERVE TECH SUPPORT! I HAVE NO INTERNET!
>TSG: I agree, but if you review your contract with us, you'll see that the tech support you're getting from me is only done to direct connections, i.e. no routers, switches or any network equipment in between. This is written black on white, on corporate paper with YOUR signature on it. Since you don't even agree to switch to direct connection to identify the problem, I can't help you much.
>Customer: This is the worst service I've ever seen, I'm disconnecting and want YOU to cancel my subscription right here, right now.

You gain Glee.

Quick hop to the right tab and...
You do not have sufficient privileges to access this command.

Glee fades from you.

Believe me, I tried. Many times.
We just can't cancel a user's package.

>TSG: All cancellation requests are processed in our [other department name here]. If you would like to, I can transfer you there now.
>Customer: (yelling) What? You can't do it? I'm going to sue your corporate asses off! I'm so getting you fired.
>TSG: Before you do that, listen to the following. Since you're obviously not even trying to understand my explanations and I don't like being yelled at for problems that I have no control over, I'll transfer you to the relevant department now. Thanks for calling.

* click *
And off he went.

Maybe he didn't notice that "Thanks for calling" was fancy for "Die in a fire you pompous asshole". I hope he didn't.

I also probably should've mentioned that department has already closed down for the night.

I wonder how long it took him to realize no one's going to take his call.

Actually, I alt tabbed out to my Bubbles game. I cleared the board, started a new game. Once I clear half the colors,...

* ring *
>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello? Your internet sucks, it keeps disappearing all the freaking time.

Sigh.

Oh people's brains, where art thou?

You know those safety labels that look like they came from another planet?

Planet Retardation.

Labels like "Warning: Do not iron clothes on self" on an iron.

Or "Warning: May contain peanuts" on an airline peanut pack.

Yeah. Those labels that make your mind boggle.

At first, like everyone else, I pondered "What kind of idiots would need these warnings in the first place?".

Then I started to work at the call center.

On one of my earlier shifts, after excruciating six hours of endless pain and agony, I finally look at the monitor and I see:

Calls waiting: 0
Oldest call waiting: :00

* GLEE! *

The moment I alt tab out to read some news...

* ring *

Un-glee.

>TSG: [ISP name] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer (aggressively): Yeah, hello. Tell me, how can you be [Company motto here] when your internet is so freaking slow?

You are afflicted by Blood Boil.
You are afflicted by Disgust.

Strike one: If you actually have to call us, don't start a call with an aggressive tone. There's a 99.9% probability the representative doesn't know or care about your problem. That'll just make you sound stupid.

I surely don't. In fact, don't ever call me.

Chances are I'll cancel your content IDs, hang up on you, blacklist your phone numbers as telemarketers, report your credit card as stolen, log on your account, download 2girls1cup or some child porn, flag myself as unavailable and go to the bathroom to vomit my intestines out.

Not from 2girls1cup. From the fact you disturbed my peaceful idling with a retarded issue that in 90% of the cases stems from your own retardation. Seriously.

That not to say there aren't any serious issues. But in 2 months' work on a full time job scale I've only encountered one. You'll read about it eventually.


Strike two. Don't ever quote the company motto. We hate it even more than you do.

You know these stupid quirky mottos that try to sound smart but end up sounding moronic in a jingle that makes you want to defenestrate the guy next to you?

We got one of those. Our motto is particularly annoying.

I wished I could flag myself unavailable and go empty my intestines (the regular way this time) but, alas, rules are rules.

>TSG: So how does this come to pass? Tell me what you're doing and how this slowness is expressed.
>Customer: Yeah, I got a [Package size here] internet and I'm downloading at [50% of package maximum speed here].

You are afflicted by Enrage.

Strike three. Never, EVER, use the word "Internet" as a noun. There's "the Internet" for you. Instead of saying "I has no intarwebz halp", say "My connection to the Internet was lost, giving me [Error number here]", or "I'm connected to the Internet but unable to surf the web".

It'll keep my agitation level below 9000 and won't make you sound like a mouth-breathing retard who should've been aborted or euthanized.

>TSG: Okay, so let's head to our speed test site where we can ascertain the cause for this, as this is obviously not valid.
>Customer: No.
>TSG: Why not?
>Customer: I don't trust your speed tests, I want us to do it my way.

You gain Homicidal Tendencies.

Seriously. That's just like going to get your car fixed, and telling the mechanic "I don't trust the way you handle my car, we'll do it my way."

But no, I have to be nice because this call is obviously getting recorded. Eventually, someone might just look it up in the archives and TSG would be no more.

>TSG: Our speed tests are 100% reliable and we use them on a daily basis. If you would just...
>Customer: I said no. Do it my way.
>TSG: So where are you downloading from?
>Customer: microsoft.com

Since this is the first time I had an "uncooperative customer" (Read: Retard), I had to consult a senior TSG. These seniors are there for us to help us whenever we get temporary Down's Syndrome and unable to continue without advice.

After "consulting" (read: doing the same as a customer, just to a senior TSG), I got a plan of action.

>TSG: Okay, here's what we'll do. Open up a download of the same file concurrently.
>Customer: Whoa, it downloads at [75% of package max speed here]! Did you do anything?
>TSG: No, the download speed limitation stems directly from Microsoft and has nothing to do with us.

At this point I was quite agitated. So the senior came over my shoulder and began actively listening.

>Customer: So you didn't do anything? How come my download speed's changed? You definitely did something there. Don't tell me to do your speed test because I don't trust it. I'm not going to do it, period.
>TSG: [Customer name here], if you remain uncooperative, the only thing I can offer to do is log on your account from here, conduct a speed test and tell you the results.
>Customer: The only way you get my authorization is if you postal mail me the results on official corporate paper.
>TSG: I'm afraid you're in for disappointment. (slightly agitated) Not only am I unauthorized to do such things, our speed test are easily conducted by phone. (enraged) Also, I find it personally offensive to be treated as deceptive because I'm here for you and I get paid to solve your problems. (calmer) Now how's your downloads going?

And for a good freaking reason too. I don't think anyone likes hearing "I don't trust you" in their face. Metaphorically speaking of course, but it's close enough.

I should also mention that the senior TSG put him on speaker phone so he could hear the details too. He kept silent with the exception of giving me some tips on what to say every now and then.

>Customer: Oh what the hell, why am I not getting [Package max speed here] on both files?
>TSG: Because this is how ISP works. You get a max download speed and the sum of your concurrent downloads cannot exceed it.
>Customer: [ISP name here] sucks, I'm disconnecting from you.
>TSG: You can ask any representative from any ISP, not just me. You'll get the same answer everywhere and I'll tell you again: The sum of your download speeds will not exceed [Max package speed here]. This is regardless of your package size and of the infrastructure you choose to use, cable or DSL. You'll hear this from any TSG from any ISP in [Country name here].

I couldn't take this crap anymore.

>TSG: Could you wait a minute please?

I was almost passing out of laughter. So I put him on hold.

>STSG (to me): This is so retarded. Let him wait and chill for a minute or so.

After 10 seconds the his number is gone. Which means he hung up.

>TSG (to STSG): Dude, he's going to disconnect from us. Did I do something wrong?
>STSG (to me): No man, good freaking riddance. One less retard to deal with.

* GLEE *

Glance at the monitor:

Calls waiting: 0
Oldest call waiting: :00
Number of idlers: 50% of center

* ULTRA-GLEE *

Not only he delivered content ID cancellation on himself, I got reassurance from superiors that we really hate those kinds of morons.

Now to log his account and download horse porn, 2girls1cup, etc...


I actually felt a little better after that call. Not to say I didn't have to empty my bowels after it, at least they got emptied the usual way.

Now, back to playing Bubbles...
...
* ring *

Un-glee. But that's a whole another story...

So it began...

There I was, standing before the corporate doors that would soon embrace me into their hold. I said to myself, "Let's do this, TSG. Let's show these mongrels what we're truly capable of."

After an hour of waiting, I do all the prerequisite procedures.

Actually, I was busy reading a newspaper and playing pool with other people who came the same day.

None of them returned to the building ever since.

2 hours later, I get a call. "Your interview was perfect, you're accepted. Training course starts next week. Be there.". After all the formalities, including a binding contract, were done, I started the "training course".

By "training course", I mean stuff most people willing to work there would know for a long time.

I actually felt pretty well about the course in general. After the final exam, turns out I got chosen into the team that's the call center's best.

So, I signed in, grabbed my headphone, got to a free computer and logged on. I turn my head to the statistics monitor, and...

Calls waiting: 57
Longest call waiting: 5:38

I was baffled. Up until then, I had no idea why so many would people call us at once.

Then I got my first call:

>TSG: [ISP name] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Uh, hello? I have no internet.

Yes. He said those exact words. That set off the retard alarm.

>TSG: So you're getting an error?
>Customer: Yes, I hit the internet button and there's no internet.
>TSG: So if I understand it right, you're trying to connect to [ISP name] and you're getting an error?
>Customer: I have no idea what are you on about, fix my internet.

Retard alarm just got louder.

Slightly paraphrased, of course. I check the logs and I see at least 20 entries with: "Failed reason: Bad Password"

>TSG: It appears that the password you're trying to connect with is wrong.
>Customer: I don't know, my step son-in-law of my sister's third cousin set it up.
>TSG: Then you'll have to input your correct password.
>Customer: I don't know it.

There. With this issue I could actually help without vomiting my intestines out. After an identification I check his password and I see: "1234567".

Retard alarm just skyrocketed making me ponder how people like this are allowed anywhere near a computer, not speaking of reproduction.

>TSG: Your password is "1234567".
>Customer: It's so long and hard! I want to change it.
>TSG: At your leisure.

Retard alarm just exploded.

>Customer: Change it to... something simple like "12345".
>TSG: Done.

At that very moment, my right arm was itching to move to the forehead. I don't think words could describe the feeling of pure disgust I was having.

Given the average IQ of the caller (and I sampled it), I'm hardly surprised this movement is almost on a conditional reflex level.

>TSG: Okay, so input your password into the password field and try connecting.
>Customer: That's to the right of where it says "Password:" right?
>TSG: Yes.

No, it's where it says "Username:". It's a deception made by the dialer.

>Customer: Wow, it says: "[ISP name] is now connected!"
>TSG: Try surfing now.
>Customer: It works!

After that call I flagged myself as "Unavailable" for a long time. Coincidentally, my bathroom break took a long time.

Maybe I should stop puking my intestines out after every retard that calls.