Thursday, October 2, 2008

Zen and the art of guild applications

I have a confession to make.

Other than the update times are slower than drinking tar.

While swimming in a river made of tar.

This may or may not be related to my lack of literary force of will to actually sit my ass down and write whatever my alcohol-saturated brain can come up with.

So... brace for impact.

I play world of warcraft. A lot of it. I DO MEAN A FUCKING LOT. Whatever you may think about the game or my social life is irrelevant because further down will be placed a clandestine message only those with IQ over room temperature will comprehend.

In the game there are guilds. The WoW definition of a guild is "A bunch of retards who grouped up so they won't have to make pick-up groups wherever they feel like going". In the game there is also fire. In which you shouldn't stand. But that's another story.

So when guilds die (and they inevitably do) due to drama, lootwhoring, higher-up's e-penii or whatever reasons, people with IQ over room temperature apply (as if it's a job application) to another guild.

I wish to take some time to explain the common retard how to do that.

No particular order. I'm sorry if it sounds like common sense (it fucking should), but I've read WAY TOO MANY retarded applications that made me want to physically harm the player, preferably preventing reproduction.

  • Use fucking proper English! I mentioned numerous times that it isn't a hard language to learn. Going to people you don't know and never will saying "OH HLO KAN I NINJA UR EPIX" is plain fucking retarded. If you can't figure out why, uninstall the game, cancel your account and drown your computer and yourself in the closest septic treatment plant. English is hard, sometimes there are exceptions to the rules, you have to know the exceptions. Etc, etc... I mean it. English or GTFO. [Replace English with any other language spoken by the guild you're applying to]
  • Format your shit. Unformatted walls of text are almost as retarded. You're writing stuff for people to READ, not just facerolling the keyboard and hitting the "submit" button. Even when a guild has an application template (which I'm strictly against) don't just fill it with one-liners and then /wrist when the officers slap a big fat "DECLINED DUE TO RETARDATION" on your application.
  • Be detailed. Don't just say "OH I HAVE FULL EPIX, CAN I HAVE FREE RIDE". Every season2-geared mouthbreather who stands in the fire has full epics nowadays. You have Blizzard to thank for that. Armory profile is key now. Remember: YOU are applying to THEM, not vice-versa. Even if (you think) you're the best to travel Azeroth across all realms, it doesn't give you the right to be a condescending bastard. Unless you're in SK or Nihilum or something like that and you can't go higher than the top anyway.
  • Notwithstanding the former point, don't overkill it. We all know there is fire on a boss and you shouldn't be in it. We all know everyone with an IQ over room temperature brings full consumables and knows the boss like the back of their hand after 2 tries. Good going captain fucking obvious.
  • A guild application isn't a place to blow steam. Be objective. No one cares if you gquit because your GM gave thori'dal to a rogue. No one cares your former guildmate dual glaive rogue does 1.3k DPS on teron, it's TMI and really is irrelevant to the people you want to play with. If you got kicked, list your fails. It shows you have a sense of self-criticism and the ability to see (and hopefully learn from) your mistakes. If you QQ, I will extract it and make delicious whine from it.
  • Screenshot in a raid situation. Most guilds require that nowadays so they can see your keybindings and make sure you're not a mouseclicker who plays with one eye on TV and one hand on penis. Preferably if you explain the underlying logic behind your keybinds, unless obvious.
  • Stick to the freakin' template (or the lack of it). Worst if you use the guild's nemesis' application template. One paladin applied to my guild recently. We don't have a template. What do I see? A copypasted Nihilum application template. How am I going to take him seriously? In fact, I'm going to get him killed a few times, then teabag his corpse.
  • DO NOT APPLY TO MULTIPLE GUILDS AT ONCE. Unless they're X-Realm AND have a private application policy. They WILL find out, will call you out on the bullshit and you will stay guildless while everyone else is getting fat loot.
  • DO NOT BUG PEOPLE WITH YOUR APPLICATION STATUS. Trust me, people who run guilds get enough whispering shit during their playtime, you're not helping.
  • Do not fuck up on your trial period. First impression is the strongest one so don't stand in the fire or you will be on a quest: [73] Looking For Guild!
  • Know your shit. People don't like carrying terribads. People don't like telling or listening to the strategy you farmed the boss a year with. Seriously, get your shit done.

That should do it. While this post may or may not decrease the amount of terribad applications, I hope people learn from these ravings.

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