Crap

Just like "love", it has many meanings.

It could mean the update schedule for Tech Support.

It could mean the state of the world.

For me, it means the way we're treated. Apparently, the morons at marketing got the customers used to the following: "If you yell hard enough and long enough, they will give you anything you want".

That could not be farther from the truth. In fact, don't ever yell at TSGs. It will only make us want to "accidentally" disconnect from the work terminal.

Remember, most (all) of us don't give a flying fuck about your measly problems. So keep crying about your "Limited or no connectivity" on your WLAN or how your router is causing you slowness, because we really don't care.

Even if we did, company policy says not to touch it with an 80-foot pole. We even have a nice disclaimer on the site, yet people actually think that:

1. I can see their desktops when configuring their dialers.
   
2. I know their homepage.
3. I know their bank's username/password.
4. I can come over their house hundreds of miles from the call center to plug in their modem.
5. The shift manager will come over to their workplace to fix their Outlook.
6. I know how, not speaking of allowed to, access their router and configure it.
7. Our speed tests shouldn't be trusted even when I tested them on the infrastructure level and got maximum speed.
8. Every problem they encounter is our fault.
   
9. The word "Reimbursement".
   
10. They deserve anything.
11. I have influence or control over the waiting times.
12. I can hop into the DNS server and reroute them to reduce their pings to BDSM porn sites.
13. Low-sodium salt is real.
14. Swearing over the phone.
15. People who call me from their cars/workplaces and think I can solve their problems.

I had calls for each and every one of the points.

Well, I lied about point 11, but that's just as stupid. Let's go point by point and see how stupid it really is.

1. Retarded. They're not even connected.
2. Moronic, yet I had a customer ask me the following: "When I used to open up some Internet, something used to go up, but now it doesn't. Why?".
   
1. About as informative as a retarded sea cucumber on crystal meth.
2. I still don't know or care about their problems.
3. Because I obviously monitor your computer and can track changes to your homepage.
   
4. Because I'd rather hijack your homepage than play Bubbles or 3dLogic.
3. This is related to us because...? The customer was surfing fine (that's where our treatment of problems ends) but he gets a "Bad username/password" error when logging his bank site. Seriously.
4. I've been yelled at because I asked them to plug in their bloody modems. A female customer got PMS on the spot and began screaming hysterically: "I'm not an electrician! How the hell am I supposed to know which cable goes where? You come over and fix it for me because I'm paying for this shit!"
1. "I'm paying" doesn't mean you're the queen of the world. Drama queen maybe, but you get exactly what you pay for. We won't go bankrupt over your pathetic money.
   
2. Don't ever dare to scream at us. Do I have to say we have the right to deny service to anyone whose behavior is intolerable?
3. Every modem has 3 ports. Their jacks are different. Figure it out, morons. I've had customers try to plug in a phone cable into an Ethernet port and vice-versa.
5. I've had it happen on a recent shift. Yes, we had problems with the mail server. Have to send an email NOW? Use gmail, retard. The shift managers are busy enough as it is: Yelling at us, talking with the guys with Customer Service, figuring out recurrent problems, talking over with the system guys if a server crashed, etc... They are indeed too busy for you. That's why we and the STSGs are there.
6. Can't touch it with an 80-foot pole even if I know it inside out. Company policy, not me. Don't like it? Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it. It's YOUR router, not us.
7. I covered it before, but another moron had to ask me that question. Well, if you don't trust us, off with you. Less retards to deal with. That was AFTER I tested his speed over the coaxial cable level, i.e. as lowest as you can get. I told him he's fine, but he kept insisting that some completely unrelated test said otherwise, therefore the problem is on our side. Even after I proved mathematically that his speed is indeed the maximum he can get for the deal he signed up for.
8. People, get it through your thick skulls: Even though we're not infallible (as evident by the last few weeks), statistically 90% of the problems are your fault. From poorly-configured dialers, outlook accounts to additional services we provide, very rarely the problem is on our side. When it is, we take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.
9. Customer Service is over there. I just don't care.
10. "I deserve" triggers my moron alarm. You call for help, you don't deserve it. In fact, I'd rather play Bubbles than take your call in the first place.
11. When waiting times are high, we keep getting bitched at constantly. PLEASE. Don't vent your frustration on us. We know about them better than you, we have them updated in real-time. At least appreciate we took your call instead. When your opening line is "Why, thank you for responding in the first place, I've been waiting for so-and-so" in a condescending tone, I don't feel like helping you. I'd rather transfer you back to the queue so you wait some more. If you have to mention "wait times", say "Thanks for taking my call TSG, you guys must be quite busy down there". I'll be way more amicable with you, really.
    
12. You probably shouldn't be watching that in the first place. The only thing I can and will do is reroute you to an alternate DNS server.
13. That's just stupid. Salt. NaCl. Curiosity got the best of me and I found out that they put in KCl (Potassium Chloride) instead of ~6% of sodium chloride. KCl is used in lethal injections. Do your own math.
14. Don't. The "hang up" button is really close to me. I don't give a crap about your bad day or how you can't send your baby photos. It doesn't justify swearing at me or wishing the company go bankrupt.
15. Your presence at the computer is required. Period. Whether it's pinging our DNSs, configuring your email, you have to be there. End of story.
    

Which pretty much sums up the average customer's IQ. But since I'm the nicest and most altruistic person on Earth, I want to make your time calling us a little better.

So here's a guide, when calling Tech Support (not necessarily me) to make a TSG less hostile to you:

1. Know your problem ahead. Saying "Hello, I have a problem" isn't making the call go anywhere. You have a problem, no shit sherlock. Isn't it why you called us in the first place? It will also piss me off and make me think you're retarded. You probably are, but at least TRY not to make yourself one on your opening line.
2. When we need to know your modem, don't tell us the logo written on it. Neither is saying "Your modem" because we don't market modems. Try seeing what's WRITTEN on it and infer its model. It's not that hard, I promise.
   
3. Your username. Know it. It's your unique identifier and makes my time a lot easier. Being connected through MPLS or a router is not an excuse not to remember them.
4. Our system can recognize you using your caller ID. It's preferred you call from your account's registered phone number and/or don't mask your call ID.
5. If you need your username/password, have means of identification readily available.
   
6. Appreciate the fact I took my precious time from playing Bubbles to take your call. Never bitch at me.
7. If I can't solve your problem, it's probably not my fault in the first place. I have very few things under control, so your threats to send complaint letters when your WLAN isn't connected won't do jack shit. Don't whine about poor service.
   
8. Our department only handles browsing, email and additional products. We don't do crap if your ICQ/Messenger isn't working or if your emule download speeds are slow. For obvious reasons.
9. Don't ever confuse us with our parent company. They handle ADSL infrastructure. We are the ISP. Our phone numbers are different. Have a problem with them? Call them, not us. Your modem can't synchronize? You're trying to connect to their internal network and get error 691? Call them.

I have plenty of calls to update Tech Support with, but not now. I want you to read, memorize and adhere to these simple rules. Hell, they could be deduced using common sense, but nothing is common about common sense.

I hate people.

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Leave a message to Customer Service to call me tomorrow.
>TSG: Can't do that.
>Customer: Then tell your shift manager to.
>TSG: Neither can he, call them yourself.

This is the time they get enraged and yell at me because some department opened an ADSL package when they have cable infrastructure. As if it's my fault.

Treat TSGs better, people. We're here to solve your problems. The least we want is some appreciation.