I'm going to be rich and famous

After I invent a device that lets you stab people in the face across the Internet.

How was my work, you ask?

Fine.

No really, I totally didn't have mouth-breathing lobotomized cockroaches that couldn't see more than one step ahead.

No really, these people aren't stupid.

Or...

>TSG: Go to Start -> Control Panel -> Network Connections.
>Customer: So I click on "Start"?
>TSG: Yes.
>Customer: I don't see it.

- Or -

>TSG: Double-click on Local Area Connection, click the "Support" tab and read me the IP address.
>Customer: With the left or right button?
>TSG (borderline enraged): Left.

- Or-

I happened to dictate a URL that has 'a', 'e' and 'i' in it. The customer couldn't distinguish the letters apart. Since most keyboards here are multilingual, I managed to tell him the URL by telling him to push the keys letter by letter using a different language.

I had to take a chill pill after that call.

I also managed to raise the concerns for my mental health.

I think the part where I put him on mute and began swearing in 5 languages across the entire call center might've had something to do with that.

- Or -

I get a call from a returning customer. I check the documentation from the previous TSG and I see that he was instructed exactly how to handle error 789. You'll never guess what error he had.

That's right.

789.

This I don't get. You get a set of instructions a retarded lobotomized cockroach with Down's syndrome would get, yet you have to call again.

The next person to say "But it's easier to call" gets kicked in the nose. With an iron boot. You have instructions, use them. Hell, our site has the same frigging instructions to set up dialers and stuff we use.

But no, people keep clicking screenshots and think it's our fault. I had that numerous times. They just don't. Read. The. Huge. Ass. Text. I keep wondering what's going on in these people's brains.

>Customer's Brain: Hmmm, this is a huge text. Should I read it? Hell no! I'll call tech support since I'm too stupid to read! * dial our number *

>TSG: What does the text say?
>Customer: It's a bunch of letters.
>TSG: No shit sherlock. Read it to me.
>Customer: It's something about [this] and something about [that].
>TSG: Tell me exactly what it says.

How the hell am I magically supposed to know what's going on in their computers?

I bet you can imagine the calls:

>Customer: Hello, I have a problem.
>TSG: It's alright, I discovered its reasons, fixed it and ensured it'd never happen again.

See how disgusting it is?

Did the customer learn to properly give the needed information? No.
Did the customer learn to cope with disappointment? No.
Did the customer learn to handle adversity? No.
Did the customer learn to leave me the hell alone? No.

Case in point.

>TSG: You'll have to fix this problem with [their infrastructure provider]. Their number is [number].
>Customer: Can't you call them?
>TSG: No, we have over 9000 waiting calls and we have to serve every moron like you in turn.
>Customer: So I talk with them, then I call you guys again?
>TSG: No, I've already blacklisted your phone number and deleted you from our systems. Never call us again. In fact, disassemble your computer and set yourself on fire.
>Customer: Oh okay.

Repeat 50 times a day.

Did I mention I hate people?

Anyway, you know how everything just has to have a fancy retarded little nickname to it?

We have one of those. The company motto, for example.

Another example is this: Apparently, some people are too stupid to turn on their computers without calling tech support. So the team leaders decided to make an ingenious move. Designate a team to specifically handle customers who called the center more than 5 times during the month.

The team's name? Guess. These assholes named the team "Popular customers team".

After recovering from the heart attack, I had an epiphany. Designate a room in the call center with punching bags and dummies modeled after the most retarded customers we ever took care of.

It's name? "Stress relief room".

I think the CEO would be happy to give his room for this. I'm also sure the room would be 100% full 24/7. Regardless of size.

My superiors need to hear this suggestion immediately.