Aggression

Is a bad thing.

Especially towards us. We have to take enough shit from people, the last thing we want is a bitch on PMS or a brain-dead toaster to cry and whine at us because he's too dumb to figure out how to press the power button.

So don't be surprised if we turn up cynical and/or sarcastic and/or make snide remarks.

You won't get them anyway, if you're on the other side of the phone.

>TSG: * opening sentence *
>Customer: Feel like explaining to me why I have no Internet?
>TSG: Good day to you too.
>TSG: I feel fine, thanks for asking.
>TSG: As for the question at hand...
>TSG: No.
>TSG: Figure it out yourself.
>TSG: I'm 100% certain the problem is your stupidity.

I might've paraphrased that. In actuality, I told them the first 20 reasons that popped into my head.

To my amazement the problem was on our side.

...

His modem wasn't turned on.

In the three times I had a problem I couldn't fix (read: desynchronizing/broken modems), the thought of being aggressive towards a representative had never popped into my head. Why? These people are paid to solve my problems, so the least I could do is be humane to them. I also know they can't do much from their position, it's not like they can magically make my modem synchronize with their DSLAM.

As opposed to the last 30 morons that called them.

But I never said they were smart.

Case in point.

I had to conference call the cable company to transfer a business customer to MPLS. Since he's a business class, the transfer is (usually) done on the spot.

>C(able)TSG: Hello, this is [Cable company name here]. How can I help you?
>TSG: Hello there, how are things out there?
>CTSG: Fine, you?
>TSG: I'd rather not answer that. Anyway, this is TSG from [ISP name here] and I got a business customer here who wants to move to MPLS. Want his unique ID?
>CTSG: Hold on one moment, I'll transfer you to the relevant department.

* 5 minutes of obnoxious on-hold crap later *

>CTSG2: Hello, this is [Cable company name here]. How can I help you?
>TSG: Hello, this is TSG from [ISP name here] and I got a business customer here who wants to move to MPLS. I got transferred here from your tech support.
>CTSG2: Wait, why did that CTSG transfer you over here? We're the moving department.

As in "we coordinate between the time you move apartments and we hook up your cable".

I began to wonder if I've been listened to at all.

You could imagine how much I was swearing while keeping the people muted.

>CTSG2: I'll transfer you to the really correct department this time.

Naturally, they had a 20-minute waiting time. I had to drop the customer with them (after telling him precisely what to say) and handle the next moron in line.

You'd think it could be a call I'd get rid of quickly, but...

>TSG: * opening sentence cut in middle to see it's a guy from another department calling *
>CPG: Yo. I got a customer here whom I convinced to stay with us.

That's short for Customer Preservation. Aka the single worst department ever to work at.

>TSG: You want a medal for that? Why'd you call us?
>CPG: Yeah, well. I'm starting her user all over again and I need you to help her type that in her router.
>TSG: ... don't you people know we can't touch routers unless they're purchased from us?
>CPG: You're the TSG, I don't touch technicalities.
>TSG: Yes, but I'd expect you to have a brain. I guess us TSGs are the only people with brains in the company.
>CPG: I'm bringing her up.

A female customer. Who just got convinced not to leave us.

Great. The last thing I need is a condescending bitch who thinks her measly monthly payment makes her the queen bitch of the Universe.

>TSG: I'm TSG from the Tech Support department.
>Customer: Now listen here. I just got convinced to stay and I still have no Internet.
>TSG: And I care because? It's not my fault CPG is too retarded to have changed your username while enabling it all over again.
>Customer: Well, change it back?
>TSG: No shit sherlock, I already tried. The system won't let me because it's already taken.
>Customer: Hold on, let me put on my careface. It's your problem, fix it.
>TSG: And I'm liable to what the other guy did because...?
>Customer: You two are the same person to me.
>TSG: You DO realize I have the right to deny service the second I'm insulted, right? So stop your bitching and start helping me to help you to help me sustain my mental health. And paycheck.

In the end I had to bring up her router's TSGs to get her to type her username in.

Did I hear a "Thank you TSG and I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier"? No. Sometimes I think what's going on in these people's heads. Just because they waited 15 minutes on the phone they think they can vent their frustration at me?

The treatment you'll get from me is independent of waiting times, the amount of departments you've been transferred through or any other reason.

It's completely uniform.

I hate all of you equally. So stop your whining and be a nice little customer.

Of course, when you call us, there's no way you can be polite or pleasant, right? You just HAVE to be the most obnoxious, annoying and sanity-shattering retard to exist.

>TSG: * opening sentence *
>Customer: I haven't had Internet for a week now! Only now I got Internet connected!

(That means only now the infrastructure company is hooking up her cables. I had to use a rusty vice to get that information out of her.)

>TSG: ... I still don't see how this is related to me as you obviously CAN surf now.
>Customer: Well who's going to reimburse me for not having Internet the last week? I'm paying for it you know.
>TSG: Not me. And the relevant department is closed for the night, so you'll have to get your greedy tentacles to them tomorrow morning.
>Customer: You can't reimburse me right here right now?! I'm disconnecting, your service sucks!
>TSG: Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Even though our department doesn't even have access to this data, you still insist on doing something I don't have permissions to. In fact, you don't even deserve an Internet connection.

I have more stories but duty calls.

By that I mean copious amounts of alcohol.