Make something idiot-proof

And someone will make a better idiot. Today I want to talk about retards.

They're everywhere. Even in places you'd think would filter them efficiently.

It seems the company has, to my great disappointment, allowed retards in the call centers.

Not our department, thank god. Us TSGs actually have to KNOW a thing or two in order to work as TSGs. And since our customers are dumber than Dodos on crack cocaine, we often have to use our brains for them.

I mean it.

I can count the number of customers who knew what they were talking about on my hands. I can count the number of people I had a pleasant conversation with if you chopped all my fingers and toes.

Yes, yes... about the retards. I'm talking about Customer Service here.

I used to pity them once. After all, we just deal with retards. They deal with retards and their money. Then I had some of the most moronic calls just to realize these morons opened a DSL package (with DSL permissions) to a cable user and vice-versa.

Let's use logic here for a change. Suppose a customer calls who's listed as a DSL user. Unless he asks specifically for an infrastructure change, there's no bloody reason to change his surfing permissions. The same applies to the fancy crap we sell to these idiots. It's painfully obvious there ARE differences between DSL and cable. [At least over here, DSL technology is (duh!) using PPPoE while cable users use a VPN connection. Other than the whole copper wires/coaxial cables thing.]

But no. They fuck up. Then the customer (rightfully) calls one of us TSGs, wondering why they "have no Internet". And I have to dig through the shit some keyboard-dribbling dodo on magic mushrooms did with their user.

>CSG's Brain: So I did an upgrade to this guy. Should I even bother looking up the catalogue numbers for [Customer's infrastructure here]? Why no, I'll just type in the first one available, wait for the update and tell them it's done. I also won't document this act for shit, more work for the Tech Support department is always so much fun.

>Customer: I have no Internet.
>TSG: * Set of usual guiding questions the to get the info the Retarded Sea Cucumber (I meant "Customer", I swear!) should've provided in the first place *
>TSG: Hmmm. Apparently the guys over customer service fucked up with your user, giving you wrong permissions. Hold on a second please. * mute *

>TSG (to call center): Stupid retarded airheads! Why can't they do their job right and give me work I shouldn't be dealing with in the first place?
>People around: What did they do this time? Forget to enable his user? Gave him DSL permissions when he's cable? Collected his debt but didn't unfreeze his account? Listed a business customer as a private one?
>TSG (to people around): E: All of the above. Stupid blondes, should've been bloody waitresses instead of dealing with issues that require you to think.

Yeah. One of their fuck-ups was so royal, Intel left us to join another ISP. Intel. Because of these morons.

Just think for a while here. But not for too long, you might get permanent brain damage. Anyway, I had to conference call customer service again just to fix their problems.

[That call ended with the RSC in question thanking me for my professionalism. In return, I proceeded upstairs and beat up the moron in customer service for their retardation.]

Of course, the retarded sea cucumbers with down's syndrome think each and every one of us can do everything, including coming over their house just to do something they should damn know how to do.

I bet you can imagine this. I must've set up two or three dialers in over 10 years of using my trusty Internets, and... you guessed it, I used logic. Let's see the basic process of setting up a PPPoE dialer. I'll assume only basic knowledge.

1. My computer doesn't know how to connect to the Internet by itself and it says "Modem" on the box that came with the infrastructure technician guy. Whatever this "Modem" is, it must be facilitating the connection, because I didn't have one before.
2. * Several logical steps to plug in the modem. Damn, this should be obvious, but... "Plug in the appropriate cables into their respective receptacles.", "How do I do that?", "/facepalm, you don't deserve a connection to the Internet before you learn what a computer is. Go away, you make me sick." *
3. So... since this modem won't connect by itself, as evident by "This page cannot be displayed" in my IE, I need to let my computer know it can connect. I'm adding a control element to it, therefore it should be in the "Control panel".
4. This "Control Panel" should hold elements that are integral to the computer's function, therefore it should be easily accessible. "Start" should be a good start, *click* Control Panel, there it is.
5. "Internet" has "net" in it. So does "Network". I wonder if there's a correlation between the two. Network Connections, there you go.
6. Hmmm. My computer is only connected to the modem. I should let it know it can connect to the internet now. "Create a new connection".
7. * Basic steps to get through the install wizard *
8. I'm connected! I did it!

And there's absolutely zero need to call us. See what you can achieve with just THINKING every now and then? You should try it once. You might like it and won't have to call us.

* a 40-minute call where the RSC can't type in their username *
>RSC: Can't you just send someone over?
>TSG: You DO realize this process shouldn't take more than 5 minutes, right? The only one to blame is your rampant stupidity and if I were you, I'd never reproduce for the greater good of humanity.

As some people might have noticed, I've become increasingly sarcastic recently. I guess those chill pills I began to take don't affect me much nowadays. Many sentences I wouldn't dare to say earlier are being spoken freely.

>Customer: Hello, I have a problem.
>Customer: * dead silence *
>TSG: It's alright, I tracked down it's reasons, solved it and reduced its chances of occurring again.
>Customer: Really?
>TSG: Of course not you dolt, I have no idea what your problem is nor do I care about it.

Then they get pissy and whiny and tell me my service is bad.

>Customer: Your service is crap! I'm calling tomorrow and asking to leave you.
>TSG: Don't let the door hit you on the way out. It's not our fault you're too stupid to type in your password correctly, as evident by the hundreds of failed entries with the reason "Bad Password". Don't take me wrong though, I'd love to cancel your deal on the spot but I just can't access the cancellation panel. Sad, don't you think?

There's also the people who are convinced the problem is on our side.

Trust me, when there is a problem on our side, we're the first to know. At least by the dreaded Plasma Screen Of Death that says Calls Waiting: 9001.

At least we're responsible enough to let you morons know there is one and put up a message on the answering machine - not that you actually listen to it. I'd tell more about those times, but I'm more tired than a stud who worked in a snowfield for 8 hours straight and went back home uphill.

You guys think I'm mentally unstable? 'Cause I keep feeling like implementing my "Stress relief room" idea more and more.