Training

Remember when I was rambling about the instruction course?

Yeah, back when Windows 98 was the pinnacle of operating systems.

Well, I open up the corporate email and read:
"To: All agents. If you're willing to show up on days so-and-so for extra hours, you're more than welcome. We're holding a round of simulations for new trainees and I could use all the people I can get. - Instruction manager"

* GLEE! *

What could be better than being a cruel, sinister bastard to unsuspecting interns?

(being the instructor himself, but that's another story)

They were groveling, begging for mercy. I came up with the harshest calls I could come up with.

Then I actually started the simulations. But before, I needed a cheesy intro speech:

>TSG: Hey guys. I'm TSG. You're going to suffer with me. A lot.
>Trainees: ... Crap.
>TSG: By "A lot" I mean you're going to think these are real calls since I base all my causes on ones. Yep.
>Trainees: ...
>Trainees: This isn't going to involve anal hemorrhage, is it?
>TSG: Only if you insist.

And then the shit hit the fan.

>TSG: I have no Internet.
>TSG: What's a dialer?
>TSG: I can't reach the desktop.
>TSG: You bastards suck ass! I need Internet NOW! So shut up and fix it!
>TSG: I've been trying to surf for HOURS and I keep getting the [insert expletives here] error 691/678/769/789/633! HELP ME! I'm paying for this you know!
>TSG: I just bought Internet from you and I still have no Internet, what is this bullshit?!

I think they were crying when I was done. Maybe their pathetic groveling "Please stop!" meant I overdid it.

I was exhausted. My voice died in agony.

But it was all worth it. Now they know what to expect when they begin their internships.

Speaking of windows 98.

Can you believe people still have that piece of crap? Every month or so, a mouth-breathing retard just HAS to call and say:

>Customer: I have windows 98.
>TSG: Can I have your rock?
>Customer: Eh?
>TSG: The one you've been living under.

Eventually, he didn't have the installation CD for Windows 98. I would explain why it's required, but if your balls dropped out/you bleed you should know.

>Customer: So there's no way I can have Internet now?
>TSG: No.
>Customer: I want to talk with to supervisor.
>TSG: Go ahead if you insist, but he'll tell you the same thing.
>Customer: I still want to talk to your supervisor. [ISP name here] doesn't satisfy its commitments towards customers and I know a thing or two about laws.
>TSG: So do I, but if any of my proposed laws were enforced in time, you wouldn't have been born.

* hold *
>TSG (to STSG): Hey man. I got a retard here who won't understand that win98 absolutely requires the installation CDs and I tried all possible methods.
>STSG: Oh god, not these morons again.
>TSG: ... yep. Tell him that he's still retarded.
* back to customer *

>TSG: Right. Here's STSG, he'll churn your tears into butter.

Off he goes. Stupid bloody accountants who think knowing high-school level math makes them Padishah Emperors of the Known Universe.

However, once in two months or so, you get a customer that is not only polite, provides useful information, but he also delivers the one line I had never heard before:

>Customer: I apologize for my stupidity.
>TSG: Wow, what? No way. Are you an evil cyber ninja from Mars here to restore my faith in mankind?
>Customer: No, but I did do something stupid.

Or...

>Customer: It's alright, I can wait as long as necessary.
>TSG: That does it, you are a cyber ninja.
>TSG: This is all a conspiracy.
>TSG: Smart people don't call Tech Support, they got the brains to solve their own problems.
>TSG: Therefore you're fake. Enjoy your disconnect.

Or...

>Customer: * complete information about his rig, peripherals and all I need to work *
>TSG: Complete information? You gotta be kidding me. There's no way people will ever provide information. They think you're telepathic and by saying "I have a problem" you know that their modem is turned off or something.
>Customer: Heh. Yeah. People are stupid.

And the finishing line:

>Customer: Although we didn't come up with a solution, I do thank you for your patience and time.

I didn't think those pure saints existed.

Which means the next three months will be full of arrogant braindead morons.

Case in point.

>Customer: I have an analog modem.

A part of me died inside a little.

Yes, I became stronger, but...

>TSG: Jesus H. Christ. Do you also have a Spectrum ZX by your side?


God damnit, if it wasn't for the guys at the call center or the shitty-yet-stable paycheck I would've quit this crap long ago.

Speaking of the guys at the call center. I'm talking with the current moron, when I hear a yell across the entire center.

>TSG1 (to TSG2): ping 172.84.100.4

* TSG1 throws a PACKET to TSG2 *

>TSG2: reply from 172.84.100.4 time=1000ms

* TSG2 throws a PACKET to TSG1 *

Enjoyable moments like these make some of the work tolerable. That and the nerd humor around.

Most of the time. Times like these:

>Superior: Guys, in case I didn't make it clear. Proactive service is part of your job and I expect us to top the sell meters.
>TSG: For Christ's sake sir, I can't stand it even more than customers.
>Superior: Sucks to be you. Do it anyway.

Make me want to defenestrate people. Now, to find a place where they make iron boots.