Proactive service

So many hidden meanings behind two simple words.

It could mean selfless benevolence.

It could mean the pinnacle of virtue.

Now think where I work. I'll give you a moment for it to kick in.

Yes.

Now, think about 99.99% of the callers and finally, think about what "proactive service" could stand for at the call center.

Okay, stop thinking. You might cause irreversible brain damage or God forbid, call us.

I'll let you in on the secret. It stands for "sell crap to retards they could live perfectly well without". Apparently, it's part of our job to offer this to people.

A prime example (and one seen very often) is ISP-side virus/spyware filtering through ports 80 and 21.

Just when I thought people got smart enough not to get trojans while surfing. Damn, I was wrong.

Another is an electronic nanny that filters out "undesirable content" by categories. I pity the poor teenagers whose batshit insane moms deprive them of valuable educational material.

By that I mean porn. Lots of porn. The internet is for porn.

So, a "good" call usually ends like this:
(by "good" I mean, a call that doesn't make me bash my head repeatedly into the table. Or, 0.01% of calls)

>Customer: Thanks a lot TSG, you handled my issue really well.
>TSG: Thank you. Say, did you know that as a customer of [ISP name here] you deserve [crap deal here] for [insane overprice here]?
>Customer: Oh, I do? Please, do tell!

And there I begin the sales pitch.

>TSG: With [crap deal here] you get [crap], [feces] and [excrement], all for [insanely overpriced tag]!
>Customer: I'm in. Sign me up.
>TSG: Alright.
>TSG: Done, your new [crap deal here] will be active in [minuscule time period here].

Come on, you honestly think it's that easy?

I'll tell you right now. I absolutely hate doing this.

Not because I care about the customers, no.

In fact, if I could, I'd sign them up for every possible content ID, lock down their record in the system, delete their real IDs from it so Customer Service won't be able to track him down and report his credit card to the bank. He would've been paying for the rest of his credit card validity.

It's because I have to keep them on the line for more time and listening to their snotty mouth-breathing voice that makes me want to self-defenestrate.

I'd rather deal with the next moron in line.

He may even have a problem that doesn't stem from his own stupidity. I hope. For my personal sanity and his own good (and content IDs).

So I finish the report, quick glance:
Calls waiting: 0

You gain Glee.

Alt-tab, open a browser, fire up Bubbles. This is almost a conditional reflex now.

As soon as I'm about to clear two colors in one shot...

* ring *

Your Glee was dispelled by Customer.

>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Yeah, hello? My internet is gone.

You gain Facepalm Position (1).

>TSG: What do you mean by that? Do you get an error?
>Customer: No, I click the internet button, the big 'E' icon and there's no internet in it.

You gain Facepalm Position (2).

It's a good thing we get headphones. That way I have two free hands to bash against my forehead. So far, I'm still ignoring the fact he's using IE.

Speaking of IE, the amount of Firefox users is ridiculously low. Coincidentally, the two Firefox users I spoke with knew what they were doing, explained their problems coherently and followed my instructions but didn't hesitate to use their brain.

I wonder.

Anyway after a quick check in the logs and I find that he's not connected under his registered user name.

>TSG: It appears you're not connected to the Internet.
>Customer: So what do I do?

Faith in Humanity fades from you.

>TSG: Connecting to the Internet would be a good start.
>Customer: I have a router, it should connect automatically.

That's where he struck a touchy subject. Company policy says we don't support routers unless they either pay us extra or the router was purchased from us. So even if I knew it inside out I still couldn't instruct him.

>TSG: Well, did you purchase the router from us?
>Customer: No, I bought it in [completely unrelated to us store name here].

You gain Facepalm position (3).

If he bought it at his infrastructure provider I could've ended the call in 5 seconds. "Call [other company name here], their telephone is [number], thanks for calling".

It seems retards and bad luck aren't mutually exclusive.

>TSG: Then you'll have to either switch to a direct connection or contact the router manufacturer to get assistance.
>Customer: I don't want a direct connection, I want to have my internet in the garden next to my step son's third degree cousin's grandfather's nephew.

You are afflicted by Infectious Stupidity.

"Internet", noun, etc... This makes me seriously thinking of tracking down people and euthanize them for the greater good.

His last sentence was slightly paraphrased. But you get the general idea.

I hope.

For your own good.

Don't make me ban your IP range. Anyway,

>TSG: Then I can't help you out as the problem obviously stems from your router.
>Customer (slightly agitated): I pay [ISP name here], (borderline enraged) so YOU WILL FIX MY INTERNET AND YOU WILL FIX IT NOW.
>TSG: [Customer name here], given that there isn't a systematic failure at the moment, your problem stems from two things: One, your line. Two, your router. None of which are in my control. Since I can't find you in our logs, chances are you'll have to edit your router's internal settings. Since I have no knowledge of them, nor access to such knowledge, nor authorization to access to such knowledge even if I could get to it, my assistance in your case can only be minimal at best.
>Customer: (screaming) WHAT? I PAY FOR THIS! I DESERVE TECH SUPPORT! I HAVE NO INTERNET!
>TSG: I agree, but if you review your contract with us, you'll see that the tech support you're getting from me is only done to direct connections, i.e. no routers, switches or any network equipment in between. This is written black on white, on corporate paper with YOUR signature on it. Since you don't even agree to switch to direct connection to identify the problem, I can't help you much.
>Customer: This is the worst service I've ever seen, I'm disconnecting and want YOU to cancel my subscription right here, right now.

You gain Glee.

Quick hop to the right tab and...
You do not have sufficient privileges to access this command.

Glee fades from you.

Believe me, I tried. Many times.
We just can't cancel a user's package.

>TSG: All cancellation requests are processed in our [other department name here]. If you would like to, I can transfer you there now.
>Customer: (yelling) What? You can't do it? I'm going to sue your corporate asses off! I'm so getting you fired.
>TSG: Before you do that, listen to the following. Since you're obviously not even trying to understand my explanations and I don't like being yelled at for problems that I have no control over, I'll transfer you to the relevant department now. Thanks for calling.

* click *
And off he went.

Maybe he didn't notice that "Thanks for calling" was fancy for "Die in a fire you pompous asshole". I hope he didn't.

I also probably should've mentioned that department has already closed down for the night.

I wonder how long it took him to realize no one's going to take his call.

Actually, I alt tabbed out to my Bubbles game. I cleared the board, started a new game. Once I clear half the colors,...

* ring *
>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello? Your internet sucks, it keeps disappearing all the freaking time.

Sigh.