Using your brain

It doesn't hurt. Really. I can testify that it really doesn't hurt!

So at least try it freaking ONCE.

Just like people who want me to help set up a dialer when their network card isn't even installed. Sure, you can (and probably do) call me a pretentious condescending prick, but I'd like to take some time to explain you how, just by thinking clearly, you can deduce fairly complex stuff.

Most of my customers can't.

Hell, most of them don't even know their operating system.

>TSG: So, [Customer name here], tell me your version of windows.

It matters to set up dialers. (You wouldn't believe how many people call for elementary stuff like that)

>Customer: How can I tell?
>TSG: * Instructions *
>Retarded Sea Cucumber: I see a bunch of letters.
>TSG: Reading them would be a good start.
>Retarded Sea Cucumber: My English sucks.
>TSG: No, your brain is dead. It also was dead to begin with. You're retarded.

Paraphrased. Just slightly.

>TSG: Now read it before I hang up on you, cancel your package, blacklist your phone numbers, erase your contact info, sign you up for the maximum number of content IDs, report your credit card as stolen and ban your IP from our site.

Yes, I said just that.

>Customer: Meecrosoft whinedows XP

Verbatim.

I can understand if someone is really bad at the language, but LEARN IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! The prevalent language of our beloved Internet is English. See the address bar? English. 2girls1cup? English.

I learned it. Why can't you? I'm not even that smart.


Anyway, back to the topic.

If I had to setup an Internet connection not knowing anything about the inner workings of my computer, I'd probably think like this:

1. This is the computer. It's made up of several intricately connected parts.
2. These parts are independent of each other. Evident by my ability to remove any of those. They're still integral to the overall workings of the computer, but I can replace them with other models. This means they must communicate in one way or another.
3. This way of communication also has to be universal, because there are so many different computers. It also has to be recognized by whatever thing that translates 0s and 1s to what I see on the monitor.
4. What's this "driver" thing? Using 1, 2 and 3, this "driver" thingamabob has to be the stuff that combines all the stuff together. I'll install it. Even its name implies it "drives" whatever makes my connection to the Internet possible.
   
5. "Local Area Connection" appeared in the lower right-hand corner of the screen. "Local", "Area" and "Connection" must all mean that this telephone-like connection is now recognized.

I'm talking about Ethernet cables here.
Now, how hard can this be? Just logical thinking. It could get you far, you should try it once.

* ring *
>TSG: [ISP name here] at your service, TSG speaking.
>Customer: Hello. I'd like you to help me do an initial connection on a freshly-bought computer.

I did too many calls like that to get annoyed.

>TSG: Okay, Start -> Control Panel -> Network Connections
>Customer: Done.

I'm paraphrasing it slightly to get to the point.

>TSG: Is there a "Local Area Connection" or anything like it in the folder?
>Customer: No.
>TSG: And this is a freshly-bought computer.
>Customer: Yes.
>TSG: Install your motherboard's drivers and please call again.
>Customer: So I have to install them?
>TSG: Yes.

This part is really weird. Why people re-ask stupid questions?
From a different call:

>TSG: Okay, click on Start.
>Customer: So I should click on "Start"?
>TSG: Yes, you should.

I know there's the will to be sure, but again, USE YOUR FREAKING BRAINS! They're not there to strain your atlas bone.

Of course, brains and customers are mutually exclusive in 99.99% of the cases.

I had to run netsh with one of the customers lately. Network Shell is a CLI in windows XP used to access network-related commands at the command line level.

>TSG: Okay, type "i i r 1.txt".

This is syntactic sugar for "interface ip reset 1.txt". Guess what it does.

>Customer: Which button is the space?
>TSG: It's right next to the "any" key.

I'm not being sarcastic this time, I said just that.

* 20 seconds later *

>TSG: Now hit enter.
>Customer: Which key is that?

I considered self-defenestration.

Actually, I was too busy bashing my head on the desk.

>Customer: It gave me an error.
>TSG: Then you typed it wrong. Press the up key, and delete the command line until you deleted the error.
>Customer: How do I delete?

You are afflicted by Neverending Rage.
You are afflicted by Urge To Extinct Mankind.

He had to ask me a few hundred more times where are the three most used keys on the keyboard are.

>Customer: Is it the key with the left-pointing arrow?
>TSG: Yes.

Some people shouldn't be allowed anywhere near computers.

So, my advice to you this time is:

USE YOUR GODDAMN BRAINS!

You might not make a complete fool out of yourself.